I just don't know

I am at this place again.

I am sucka for a smile...

He smiled, I melted

There's something about him

I was about to write if we could at least be friends I would be happy

Why is it that I can't have my yum-yum cake??

I don't know

But I think I am going to relax about him, just let things happen naturally

But if I don't see him at all and all we have is texting

aren't the odds against me??

I don't know, I just don't know

I'm rock stuck in a hard place

I want the lazy days lying in bed next to him

I want it all

Or so I think

 I don't know, I just don't know

Wise Words

In the middle of you setback plan for your comeback- Joel Osteen 

=)

Feeling Good, Feeling Great

..it's been awhile since I've written anything!! Let's see,

• Classes are going well!! That makes me so happy :)
• I wish there was more time so I could actually cross things off my to do list
• I don't really have time for anything extra which can be a good thing sometimes
• Work is work. I like it when i first get there and the moment i leave
• I love, love the apt! i love having my own space not worrying about someone else's stuff and if I'm encroaching on their area
• Junior year has begun...I'M READY!

Off to a meeting! hopefully there's snacks!! hahahah

A Little Push!

Compliments of Karrine Steffans
"Everyday when you wake up, only do things that you know will bring you closer to your dreams....Whatever it takes, do it and do nothing else, because every time you wake up and waste the day, you're wasting your life"

I'm Back!

Finally back @ school!!
I know this quarter I'm going to have to work my butt off!
It feels good to be back :)

An Uncanny Truth

September 14th, 2008
An Uncanny Truth
Laughter fills my thoughts as I remember the way we were
We didn’t need words to express how we felt we just knew
We had developed this uncanny ability to read each other’s thoughts, finish each other’s sentences
We were the same person
Or so we thought
As things fell apart
Our uncanny ability began to fade
I no longer had an all access pass to your thoughts
Never had I felt so disconnected from you
We watched as our friendship crumbled to pieces
What scared me was that we didn’t do anything about it
Because we didn’t know what we would be diving into
Fear is what brought us together
And it was that same fear that disengaged us
It was weird but I learned to cope.
Learned to direct my discontent towards everyone but you
The one person I needed to talk to was you but I couldn’t bring myself to it
Neither could you
It took long pauses, fake smiles, and a text message
To bring us back together
Back to the reality that we indeed were not the same person
We were just two people who had this uncanny ability
Try as I might to be angry with you I couldn’t
Trust me I tried
I couldn’t muster that emotion
Instead I realized the only thing that I owed you was my honesty
Sincerity
The truth
No longer could I hide from it
No longer could I deny you that
With a racing heart I temporarily gave you your all access pass back
Letting you see what really happened
During our months apart
Finally allowing you to hear my discontent
A conversation that was long over due
The next day came as you made an attempt, an effort to get us back on track
But I knew that your effort was a futile one
It was too soon for us to jump back into our carefully crafted friendship
Wounds that had been haphazardly patched over were now petal open, revealing a bruised heart
We both fully realized that our all access friendship would never be the same again
Days have come and gone
Months have passed; I am now finally at peace with all of it
I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the anger I once had for you know has dissolved to content
We shared wonderful moments with the bad ones sprinkled in between
Not regretting any moment of it, I would do it all again
Reminding myself
That there is a reason for all things

Electricity

Two days without electricity=NO FUN!
I'm losing my mind!! I'm hoping and praying that this will not be going on for too long!
If it does continue I'll just have to endure it!
*Lord have mercy on all of us*

Reaching my goal.....

The first week of "Reach Your Goal" is almost over. The workouts are a killer but I know in the end it's worth it! I'm STILL counting down the days until I'm @ school. I'm too excited =). I know I'll be at school soon enough.

Just a few random thoughts....

• I think I have undergone a lot of growth this summer. Trust me I've had the time to think. I'm at peace with a lot of things that have bothered in the past. But I can't change anything, not that I would want to. I've let all of it go!! And that is a ridiculously wonderful feeling. No bad feelings, no ill will nothing. I'm just ready to start my Junior year!! Working at a job that you hate will make you REthink some things!!


• Life is good. I'm in a good place. Another lovely feeling!


• I saw the Tyler Perry movie yesterday. SOOO good!!! One thing I took away from that film was people will do whatever they feel is necessary to get to the top! I'm trying to get back on the top and stay there!! Ya feel me?


• LoVinG LiFE

No More TV :(

Today is the second day of Reach Your Goal!! I'm loving it!! We'll see if that's how I feel after doing today's workout!! 12 more days until hit campus....to excited about that!!
There are so many things to do in the next few days.
**I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THE TV DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???? I DON'T KNOW!!

"Reah Your Goal"

Self.com Reach Your Goal has begun today!! The workout was tough but I feel good now that it is over. I got through it!! The job search I think has maybe come to an end. I think I'll be working at the school's dining hall. At first I wasn't too enthusiastic about it but it has since grown on me. I need a job, they need employees. It's not the most glamorous job however it will keep gas in my car and pay my bills!! :)
I'm feeling really good right now!! I'm keeping my eye on the prizes. Yes there are more than one. The GPA and the health/fitness....those are the prizes. I know that they achieving my goals will not be easy. I am ready to put in the necessary work. I think beginning Reach your Goal is the proof that I am ready. I will stick to this!!
Tomorrow is the first strength training workout session..I'm so ready!!

Fur Elise

The countdown has begun...I will be back @ school 15 days!! I'm so excited. I'm more excited about my new workout plan I signed up for on Self.com. I think it's going to be very helpful. :)
I'm still debating on whether or not to cut my hair. Who knows? Decisions, decisions.I wish i could write more but I have hours of practicing Fur Elise ahead of me!!

*Ciao*

Reflection with a little help from Lauryn Hill!!

Who knew reflecting could be so much fun?! I've had the past summer months to reflect and think about so many things. Especially the path my life is taking both academically and physically. I am 173 pounds and a mediocre student. I am a person I don't even know. But I have plans to get back to the old me!! Things are looking up!! :)

Monday will being Fit Club....again!! I needed some motivation. I have been leaning on excuses for so long. I've been complaining about my body and doing anything about it. But that is changing. NO ONE WANTS TO BE A FATTY!!

I am soo jealous of my two friends who are in ESPANA right now. I want to have that experience too. I know I will, i feel it in my bones...lol.

I will be back @ school in less than three weeks. I am too excited for what is to come.
It is going to be a wonderful, stressful, full of A's kind of quarter!!!!!!

I Gotta Find Peace of Mind

I gotta find peace of mind
I know another cord...
I gotta find peace of mind
See, this what that voice in your head says
When you try to get peace of mind...I gotta find peace of mind,
I gotta find peace of mind
He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible
He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible
He says there's no me without him, please help me forget about him
He takes all my energy, trapped in my memory
Constantly holding me, constantly holding me
I need to tell you all, all the pain he's caused, mmmm
I need to tell I'm, I'm undone because, mmmm
He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible
He says it's impossible without him, but I know it's possible
To finally be in love, and know the real meaning of
A lasting relationship, not based on ownership
I trust every part of you, cuz all that I... All that you say you do
You love me despite myself, sometimes I fight myself
I just can't believe that you, would have anything to do
With someone so insecure, someone so immature
Oh you inspire me, to be the higher me
You made my desire pure, you made my desire pure
Just tell me what to say, I can't find the words to say
Please don't be mad with me, I have no identity
All that I've known is gone, all I was building on
I don't wanna walk with you, how do I talk to you
Touch my mouth with your hands, touch my mouth with your hands
Oh I wanna understand, the meaning of your embrace
I know now I have to face, the temptations of my past
Please don't let me disgrace, where my devotion lays
Now that I know the truth, now that it's no excuse
Keeping me from your love, what was I thinking of?
Holding me from your love, what was I thinking of?
You are my peace of mind, that old me is left behind
You are my peace of mind, that old me is left behind
He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible
He says it's improbable, but I know it's tangeable
He says it's not grabbable, but I know it's haveable
Cuz anything's possible, oh anything is possible
Please come free my mind, please come meet my mind
Can you see my mind, oh
Won't you come free my mind?
Oh I know it's possible
Anything, anything, anything, anything, anything, yeeey
Anything, anything, anything, anything, yeeey
Anything, anything, anything, anything, anything, yeeey
Oh free!
Free, free, free your mind
Free, free your mind... free, free your mind
Free, free, free, free your mind
Oh, it's so possible, oh it's so possible
I'm telling you it's possible,
I'm telling you it's possible
Free, free... free, free... free, free... get free now
Free, free... free, free, free, free... free, free
You're my peace of mind, that old me is left behind
You're my peace of mind, you're my peace of mind
He's my peace of mind, he's my peace of mind
He's my peace of mind, he's my peace of mind
What a joy it is to be alive
To get another chance, yeah
Everyday's another chance
To get it right this time
Everyday's another chance
Oh what a merciful, merciful, merciful God
Oh what a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful God
[Repeat till fade]

Fit Club

I'm ready to go back to school...four weeks to go :)
This Fit Club thing is taking forever. I would love to see some instant results!! But I know I just have to keep it going!! :)

I'm baaack!!

I haven't been on here in a while. Working with the bebes took over my life!! But now I'm done with that job....just counting down the days that I'm back on CamPuS :)
I'm excited to go back and get some things accomplished. I think I have a lot to prove to myself.....I'm READY to WORK!!
I've started My Fit Club a.k.a working out and trying to get back in shape. I made so many sweet treats with the bebes; it shows in my stomach (there now lives a gut!!) It needs to go!!
As I look around my messy room, I feel like I'm wading in the deep end!!
Nothing really feels concrete. That's probably because I'm not @ school yet. Lol

{Love Rain}

Love rain down on me,on me,down on me(4x)Met him on a Thursday,sunny afternoonCumulus clouds, 84 degreesHe was brown,deepSaid he wanted to talk about my missionListen to my past lives (Word?)Took me on long walks to places where butterflies rest easyTalked about Moses and MumiaReparations,blue colors,memories of shell top adidasHe was fresh,like summer peachesSweet on my mind like block parties and penny candyUs was nice and warm,no jacket,no umbrella,just warmAt night we would watch the starsAnd he would physically give me each and every oneI felt like cayenne pepper,red,hot,spicyI felt Dizzy and Sonia, heaven and Miles between mythighsBetter than love,we made deliciousHe me had,had me heHe had me tongue tiedI could hear his rhythm in my thoughtsI was his sharp, his horn sectionHis boom and his bipAnd he was my loveLove rain down on me,on me,down on meThe rain was fallin and,and slowly and sweetly and stinging myeyesAnd I could not see that he became my voodoo priestAnd I was his faithful concubineWide open,wide,loose like bowels after collard greensThe mistake was madeLove slipped from my lipsDripped down my chin and landed in his lapAnd us became newNow me non-clairvoyant and in loveMade the coochie easy and the obvious invisibleThe rain was fallingAnd I couldn't see the season changingAnd the vibe slipping off its axis Our beautiful melody became wildly staccatoThe rain was falling and I could not seeThat I was to be plowed and sowed and fertilizedAnd left to drown in his sunny afternoonCumulus clouds,84 degrees,melodyLove rain down on me,on me,down on me (2x)(Mos Def:)I stretch my arms towards the sky like blades of tall grass,The sun beat between my shoulders like carnaval drums.I sat still in hopes that it would help my wings growSo then I could really be fly.And then she arrived.Like daybreak inside a railway tunnel,like the new moon,like a diamond in the mines,like high noon to a junker,Sudden...She made my heart beat in the now, now time signature,her skin a canvas for ultra violet brush strokes.She was the sun's painting,she was a deep cogniac color,her eyes sparkle like lights along the new city,her lips purst as if her breath was too sweet and full for her mouth to hold.I said:"You are the beautiful distress of mathmatics,"I said:"For you, I will peel open the clouds like new fruit,and give you lightning and thunder as a dowry,I will make the sky shed all of it's stars like rain,and I will cast the constellations across your waist,and i will make the heavens your keep.And they will be pleased to cover you,they will be pleased to cover you,May i please... cover you......please...

A Few Thoughts

It's a Saturday night and I am at home. I am totally fine with that actually. But a night on the town would be fun. Maybe next weekend...we shall see!
I'm ready to get back to school and get back into the swing of things. I miss my friends, the campus, and just the college life. I can't wait until this job is over. I'm not getting paid enough money to put up with the nonsense that I deal with everyday. The camp is almost over...next week will be the sixth week of a ten week summer camp. I've made it to the halfway point. I'm back in action because I have a brand new cellular device. It's my new favorite thing, my favorite toy!!
Sometimes I feel that I haven't fully grown up yet. Maybe I still act like a child, therefore I still get treated like one. How do I deal with that? At school, I make my own decisions, coming and going as I please. And then the holidays and the summer hits, and I go nowhere. At times it's fine and I have no problems with it. But there are those moments when I all I want to do is go out. I don't even mean to a club or a party, just out of the house and returning to my house at some ungodly hour. When will that happen? When I turn 21 next year? I don't think I can wait that long!! I feel like I'm on the cusp of something, I just haven't been able to do it just yet! I don't know. I don't know!! Sometimes, I need a good ranting session!!

My Ice Cream Personality Flavor

Double Chocolate Chunk
If you love Double Chocolate Chunk, you tend to be lively, creative and dramatic. Always the life of the party, you charm everyone you meet with your enthusiasm and sense of style. You enjoy being in the spotlight and prefer to be in the company of friends rather than left alone to reflect on life. You prefer passion and excitement in your romantic relationships, and require a lot of attention from your mate. Romantic Compatibility: You are most romantically compatible with those who prefer Butter Pecan or Chocolate Chip.

Sometimes you need a little push

Compliments of Karrine Steffans "Everyday when you wake up, only do things that you know will bring you closer to your dreams....Whatever it takes, do it and do nothing else, because every time you wake up and waste the day, you're wasting your life"

"The Pants"

I'm rereading The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Series. Such good books!! I was itching to read something, to get lost in the stories of others. I love it!!
I'm having a really fat moment! Don't we all have those @ some point. I have to go to work tomorrow... Pay day is on Tuesday!! NEW PHONE ON WEDNESDAY!! I'm so excited!! =) I have finally reached the fifth week of the Summer Camp. It's going by relatively fast even though while I'm at work it seems as if the hours go by really, really slow.
That's all for now....life is gOoD!!

Roberto.Roberto.Roberto

Sooo
I went down to my old pool/job today and I noticed a really cute guy talking to our security guard. According to our security guard, Roberto asked about me and thought I was cute ;)
Sometimes a girl needs to know that a male thinks she is good looking. Sometimes you just need that to be reinforced by the opposite sex. I don't think I'll ever see Roberto again but it was nice to know that he was paying attention...
I'm feeling very good right now!! It's amazing what something that small can do to some one's self esteem!!
:)
GO Roberto

4th of July

Me and the moms went out to eat today. It was fun!! We both love to eat gOod food!! :)
I haven't started my vision board yet...I keep thinking about what I want to put on it. I need to start practicing because I need to and so that my mom can stop bothering me about it!!
I love listening to Jasmine Sullivan. She has a good voice {reminds me of Lauryn Hill}
I want to write some poetry. I haven't written in a while....Too long!!
I have realized that there is so much that I need to download before I go back to school. I love those Jam Sessions in my room!!
I'm thinking about a lot of things right now. My mind is racing. I want so many things to happen. But with everything that happens, time is involved. I can't control everything!!
According to Scorpio Blues, "See having total control of situaton is realizing that you have absolutely have no control at all."

Summer's Something New

I still have a job!! Thank Goodness!! It was touch and go for a minute there. Besides that, life is going well. I'm working out more which is a good thing!! I hope I can start being more consistent because I know that it will payoff! I still don't have a phone. It's been a long two weeks or so..it was close to three weeks (18 days). I feel so disconnected. But I will be back in action soon enough.
Tomorrow is Fourth of July and I don't have any special plans. I'm just happy to have a day off from the kiddies and my boss. Lol
I love my co-workers. They make the hours at work tolerable when the kids start to loose their minds!! Today @ Coney Island was okay. I wanted it to be very hot but nooo it was rainy and cold!! The kids still had fun though. Juliet's mom today was a blessing!! She helped me out so much..I forgot to thank her :(
We were talking about how one of Juliet's friend said she was a cool mom and that she was 27 not 41. She laughed because she said no one could pay her to be 20 again. She loves 41!!
I love being 20. It's something new..I don't know what 20 will bring. I'm assuming more life lessons and good times. But I know that, one should never assume. :)
I was watching Oprah and she was talking about vision boards! I want to make one. I think I'll start making it this weekend!! I think it will help me jump start my goals!!

Things I {hate...strongly dislike} List

1. The heat with 80 kids....TOO HOT!!

Compliments of Patty

Regina Brett of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , OhioTo celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 70 in August, so here goes:1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.5. Pay off your credit cards every month.6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.11 . Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.12. It's OK to let your children see you cry13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.24. The most important sex organ is the brain.25. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'27. Always choose life.28. Forgive everyone everything.29 What other people think of you is none of your business.30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.33. Believe in miracles.34. God loves you because of whom God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.36. Growing old beats the alternative--dying young.37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 42. The best is yet to come.43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.44. Yield.45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift

*hope

The second week of my job @ the Center has come to an end. I wish they were paying me more though. What a crazy week!! This job takes a lot out of me everyday but I do enjoy hanging with the kids. To be in a world where my GPA, my grades, and school in general just doesn't matter...is a great. But I realize that this is a temporary feeling. I'm looking forward to go back to school this fall {so many things to accomplish...It's NOW or NEVER}.
I miss being around my love muffins!! I miss them alot!! I will have to make a trip to Columbus to see them :) We'll see if I can get that in the works... :) I hope so!!
I've started working out...Finally!! It's hard to start running after working for eight hours but I know I have to do it!! As of right now I'm working out tomorrow and maybe that Cardio Salsa class on Tuesday with the Madre. That should be fun. I have to start reading Spanish articles again.
I'm reading a book called "What is the What?" I think it is going to be a good read. I need to start reading Unhooked. So many things on the To Do List!!
I have fallen in love with the another singer. This seems to happen everyday Lol
Her name is Hope. This is the link to her Myspace: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=22887675.
She has a great voice. My favorite song by her is called Who Am I to Say. Here are the lyrics to the song
Love of my life, my soul mate You're my best friend Part of me like breathing Now half of me is left I don't know anything at all Who am I to say you love me I Don't know anything at all And who am I to say you need me Color me blue I'm lost in don't know why I'm still waiting Many moons have come and gone Don't know why I'm still searching I Don't know anything at all And who am I to say you love me I Don't know anything at all who am I to say you need me Now you're a song I love to sing Never thought Id feel so free Now I know whats meant to be And that's OK with me But who am I to say you love me who am I to say you need me And who I am I to say you love me I don't know anything at all I don't know anything at all I don't know anything at all I don't know anything at all

Summer Time

A few things on my mind now that summer has officially begun:

• I need to start working out!! Seriously!!
• I like my job BUT I don't get paid enough to put up with what I do!!
• There are so many things that I have to look forward to when the Fall comes. So many things to accomplish, ,a higher GPA being one of them!! {GOTTA BE ON MY GRIND}
• I have to stay focused on my goals!
• Compliments of Karrine Steffans "Everyday when you wake up, only do things that you know will bring you closer to your dreams....Whatever it takes, do it and do nothing else, because every time you wake up and waste the day, you're wasting your life"

Boys.Boys.Boys.

Boys are so super RIDICULOUS!!
We, girls, act the way we do half the time because of something a stupid boy did or said to us!!!
And yet, I'm thinking of reasons why my boyfriend hasn't show up yet? There are no contenders...nothing. Just me.
Maybe it's supposed to be this way. I don't know.
I guess I'll just see what the summer brings.
I have so many goals that I want to accomplish, maybe there isn't any room for a bf.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason.
So I know that there are reasons as to why I'm still single.
But can a sista get a break?! Lol

HOME

So finals are over and I'm back home. It was so nice to sleep in my own room and bed!!
Unfortunately I didn't get the A or B that I wanted in Pharmacy. That class was ridiculous!! Right now I'm waiting on my Chemistry grade. I hope that turns out well....we shall see.
I am now officially a JUNIOR in college. Completely insane... :)
I'm so ready for my job to begin! Spending my days with the bebes all summer long=FUN
I'm going to miss my Lovemuffins though! <3
I'm so excited about my new apartment!! Really,Really excited!!
I think this summer is going to be a good one ;)

Finals Week..almost here

So I've spent the last few weeks of my life STUDYING FOR MY FINALS!
This quarter has been completely insane!!
But I've made it to the end :)

• Finals start on Monday {officially} but Tuesday for me!!
• I'm ready to just get them over with and start working!!
• I'm so happy for the summer, somewhat of a break from OSU....
• I'm excited about my new apaRtmenT
• I love Sex in the City...It was GREAT!! <3
• The Quarter is almost over..a little less than a week........YEEEESSS

~loVeLy~

Studying is the story of my life...it's almost over!
I'm so ready to put in work to study for my finals and get them over with!
Life is getting back on track these days!
I have fallen in love with Adele{ this new singer from London}
Here is her song
"Melt My Heart To Stone"
Right under my feet
There's air
Made of bricks
Pulls me down
Turns me weak
For you
I find myself
Repeating like
A broken tune
And I'm forever
Excusing
Your intentions
And I give in
To my pretendings
Which forgive you
Each time
Without me knowing
They melt my heart
To stone
[Chorus:]
And I hear your words
That I made up
You say my name
Like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head
I'm the only one in love
I'm the only one in love
Each and every time
I turn around to leave
I feel my heart
Begin to burst
And bleed
So desperately
I try to link it
With my head
But instead
I fall back
To my knees
As you tear your way
Right through me
I forgive you
Once again
Without me knowing
You've burnt
My heart to stone
(Chorus)
Why do you
Steal my hand
Whenever
I'm standing
My own ground
You build me up
Then leave me dead
Well
(Chorus)

• I just love her songs. Her voice is so soulful. I can feel it! I'm glad I stumbled upon her! Go Adele :)
• Manchester United+Andrea+Me=A GOOD TIME. I have to say, I love that girl! I hope one day, she realizes how wonderful she is. Same goes for Nicole!! They are just great! I love spending time with them.
• Phone conversations with Dearest [best part of my day]...she makes me so happy! I love talking to her.
• I am so extremely blessed to be here. To be give a second chance @ success. Thank you Father God. Thank you for the people that are in my life and the people that will come. Lord I ask that to the people that are no longer fully in my life, you let them I wish them all the best. You are a wonderful Lord :), Amen.
• Kimmie, that girl..what do I say? Who knew would be friends?! Actually, I did!! Love that girl as well!
• To Pebbles&FeFe---I LOVE YALL...FROM THE DEPTHS OF MY HEART <3
• And with that, I say goodnight! Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. A day full of studying and time with Patty, which is always a good time!!

~thoughts~

• I love my friends <3
• I love the new Beyonce songs...my new favorite things
• Life is going well. I'm just enjoying the last few days of school before finals begin. I'll be studying all this weekend
• Since this thing with J happened I have been thinking about what I want to happen in regards to males. I don't want anymore male friends. Boys that want to be friends need not apply!! :) I have enough male friends...I guess if they want to be friends, the lines will be very clear!! I know things happen for a reason. I know I am supposed to learn from everything that I have been through this quarter. I know that they are going to be more experiences. I am ready...BrIng it :)

Complete Disbelief

I'm hurt.
How do you deal with this?
I don't even know.
I'm so angry with him and with myself.
I haven't cried and I don't think I will. I am hurt but my tears will be angry ones and I don't have the time for angry tears.
Tomorrow is another day.
I refuse to stay in this place.
This is it.
I can't hold on to this and be upset.
I refuse.

Hurting

I'm hurt....
enough said

Writing poems after parties

My heart silently breaks every time I realize you are getting farther and farther away from me
You come to me with your hopes and dreams
Effortlessly sharing them with me
I have taken each hope and dream
And placed myself in them
Imagining a time when we were an us
Not just friends
A time when I was the best part of your day
But you also come to me with the image of the girl of your dreams
I am not her
I am not her
I am not the girl that makes your heart stop
When you look at her because her presence has taken over
I am not her
As I write this
My heart silently breaks
But I put it back together
Mending it with Band-Aids
Hoping they are strong enough to keep my heart intact for the time being
So when you told me about that other girl
Gave me her name and all her attributes
You actually slapped me in the face and didn't even know it
Here I am wearing my heart on my sleeve
For no one but you
And you don't even notice
Don't even notice the quite moments between us
The moments when I put my heart away to be the friend
You have been accustomed to know
I have not mastered the art of being your friend and your potential love
I am teetering on a tight rope
A thin line
Hoping and praying that I don't fall

Thoughts

So I had the best sleep today. My body was tired and in need of some sleep! It feels good to wake up and feel rested. Tomorrow afternoon, I volunteer with The Girls...I hope it goes well!! I think it will. Gina and friends are coming tomorrow night. I am excited but at the same time I hope nothing crazy happens. I don't the time nor the patience for that!!!
My mother is the most amazing! Gotta love her <3
THREE MORE WEEKS of school left and then I'm done for three months!!
This quarter went by helli fast. I have a lot of stuff before I return home!
*Blessed*

The Not So Secret Gift

With a shining bow on top, I neatly tuck my feelings for you away in the dark spaces of my being. They will stay there for safe keeping. Quietly parading them on my sleeve hasn’t really gotten me anywhere. I hide them; gently place them in a corner. So far back that no one will see the secret gift I gave myself. My gift will remain close, in dark spaces. Unable to see the light, revealing its cracks, its imperfections, it fears and flaws. They are hidden so deep within me that sometimes I forget that they are there. But then I think about you, see you, hear you and the feelings burst the neatly, painstakingly wrapped gift open. They are strewn about, for all to see. For you to see. But you don’t see the cracks that your inattention has caused. You don’t see the silent moments shared between us that I have committed to memory. You don’t see the moments because you don’t see me. Although, I am there, right in front of you. Holding my breath, wondering when you will see me. Day after day after day I pick up my broken gift with the hope that your hands will brush against mine because you are helping me put it back together. Because you too have a secret gift of feelings wrapped up to give to me. I guess I should start breathing again; the day that you share your gift with me is never going to come. The dark spaces of my being would like to think otherwise. But my heart knows that you will never know about my gift if I don’t reveal it to you. My gift refuses to be hidden. But my heart doesn’t seem to have the courage to take a chance on you. My heart thinks about the day after I allow you to see the crevices of my dark spaces, the places where my secrets, my fears, my goals lie. What then? Will you give me a tour of the places where you whisper your secrets? My heart knows better. You haven’t seen me then, and you are not going to see me now. I am not one to give up easily however I know when I should bow out. This is one of those things that are out my hands, out of my control. But how long can I wait until my heart and dark spaces settle their differences?

Random Thoughts

• I am completely exhausted! But I have an extra busy week to look forward to!
• This weekend was fun but I have realized that partying and studying don't mix to well for me...I will be studying hard core within the next 48 hours!!
• I love hanging out with my WLCE girls. They are the best! I'm looking forward to more memories with them!
• Patty is a hoot..gotta love her!
• School is exhausting!
• I'm looking forward to the summer. But I know I will be itching to come back to Columbus, Ohio State, and my life here. It's crazy to think that college is going to be over soon. I am going to enjoy every minute of it
• I haven't written a poem in a while. My hands are craving to put pen to paper
• My emotions have been everywhere!! I'm finally getting them under control. I think...
• I love to sleep!!

AAAAH!

AAaahh!! 2:26 AM and I have a midterm at 830AM!!
This should be interesting....
I hope I am still able to pull out a decent grade!
SLEEP!

V1: Take time to realize, That your warmth isCrashing down on in.Take time to realize,That I am on your sideDidn't I, Didn't I tell you.But I can't spell it out for you, No it's never gonna be that simpleNo I cant spell it out for youC: If you just realize what I just realized, Then we'd be perfect for each otherand will never find anotherJust realized what I just realizedwe'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now.V2: Take time to realizeOh-oh I'm on your sidedidn't I, didn't I tell you.Take time to realizeThis all can pass you byDidn't I tell youBut I can't spell it out for you,no it's never gonna be that simpleno I can't spell it out for you.C: If you just realized what I just realizedthen we'd be perfect for each other then we'd never find another Just realized what I just realizedwe'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now.V3: It's not always the sameno it's never the same if you don't feel it too.If you meet me half wayIf you would meet me half way.It could be the same for you.C: If you just realize what I just realizedthen we'd be perfect for each other then we'd never find another Just realize what I just realizedwe'd never have to wonder Just realize what I just realizedIf you just realize what I just realizedOoOoOOomissed out on each other nowmissed out on each other nowRealize, realizerealize, realize

What a Wonderful World

Life is good. I'm twenty!!! It feels gOod!!
I'm trying to take things one day at a time and enjoy everyday!
I am so blessed to see another year on this earth <3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">siStaH conFused when it comes to these boys....well one in particular.
For now, I am tucking my feelings towards him in small, safe place. I don't know how long they will be there.....
Besides that everything is going well. Just gotta stay focused on my goals!!
STAY on my GRIND =)

B'Day

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
THE BIG 2-0!!
I AM ABLE TO SEE ANOTHER YEAR..HERE'S TO ANOTHER FABULOUS ONE ;)
~truly blessed~

The Good Life

Life is wonDerFuL!!
A new job!!
College is going well too!!
I'm living the good life...
Just gotta stay focused!
:)

Funny Feeling

I have been in a weird mood all day. I don't know what it is...just been feeling funny. I've been walking around in a daze. Life is good with a swirl of crazy in it as always.
I don't even know right now...
I just don't know. I have a lot of stuff to do. Maybe because I'm not allowing myself to relax.
My body feels so out of whack...
I'm slowly putting everything back in it's proper place.
For a while I thought I wanted a bf. But I'm beginning to think that I need to be chilling with myself. I mean it can get old sometimes but I'm enjoying myself.
Things are different and I just have to go with the flow.
...funny feeling....

Life is Good

Wooooooow!! What a last few days??
So I finally talked to My about what was bothering me!! It feels great to have everything out in the open. I don't expect any big changes but I'm just glad that I was able to tell her what I was feeling.
Life is so good right now. Things are beginning to fall in place!! My grades are good, my friends are wonderful, and my mom is fabulous!! I still have to stay on my grind though!!
Working hard=SUCCESS!!
I'm going home on Sunday bc I have an interview. I get to see my mommie before my bday
I'm going to be TWENTY :)

A Few Random Thoughts About the Good Place

So many things are going on!!! I'm on my grind!! I see what i want and I am doing the things that I need to get them.

Things that Irritate me:
1. sneakiness and deception--I know the truth hurts. I would rather someone tell me the truth about than to be sly and secretive
2. midterms!! Why are they called midterms when they aren't in the middle??
3. Ohio weather...can we stay with a temperature??
4.sneakiness and deception!!!

Other than the standard friend drama ( this seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life), life is wonDerful. I really need to start working out!! Starting FRIDAY :)
My bday is coming up...the big 2-0!! So happy about that. I'm getting old...hehehe!!
I am leaving everything with the Lord. I can only do so much! God takes care of all things in his time. God is good and so am I!
My spirit is calm knowing that I am putting this situation in God's hands. I'm not going to talk to her because I don't have time to waste on it. She is going to do her and I'm going to do me. And if she wants to do us, I may consider the possibility. Who knows? I will celebrate her birthday...get her a card or something. But I can't do anything extra. I can't because I am tired of always doing the work. I always do the work and this friend is TIRED of it.....this is in YOUR hands now!!!

MADEA GOES TO JAIL QUOTE:
Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You have to know which is which. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can't count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It'll wither and die and blow away.There ain't no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it's dead it's gone. Let it go! Some people are like that. All the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. If you're grown, you know what I'm talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. That's the leaf people. They come to take. Then there are people like a branch. You got to be careful with branch people. They come in all different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life. So my advice is to tip out on it slowly. When you're going out on a limb, don't put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. Sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the things you want to share with it. Finally, there are people who are like roots at the bottom of the tree. If you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. The roots don't care nothing about being seen. All they're there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. It comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. That's what relationships should be about. That's what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons. If somebody wants to walk out of your life, you've got to LET THEM GO! When you learn to love yourself, you will end up giving standards to everyone around you. Again, I repeat with emphasis, if they don't meet those standards, you have to let them go, because they might be a leaf. And forgive them with all your might.

Good Place

I am in good place right now. I just have to stay here and stay focused.
Anything is possible!!
I am on my grind...I still have stuff to look over!!

Friends

Friends are a wonderful asset to my life! I love them to death. They make my life so much better. When I need them they are there for me in full effect.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. -Henri Nouwen

I want to write something about friendship.....a poem, a letter, something!

Sharing Secrets

I am very open about my experiences and I have no problem talking about them. But when I decide not to share them, people start to act funny. I've always had this problem. I guess I have been too open. I don't know..it's beginning to become annoying. I don't owe anyone anything. If I decide to tell you something, I will. But if I don't, then that's it!!!
Things I Strongly Dislike:

1. People who expect to be told everything. I need to start putting up boundaries!!
2. Why can't people think for themselves??? Just because you're friends are doing it doesn't mean it will work for you too.
3. I know I just went on a rant about sharing too much, WHY ARE PEOPLE SO SECRETIVE AND SNEAKY??
4. I have realized that people love to see me react. I must be hilarious. It was so obnoxious tonight. I can't even believe it. Maybe we have been hanging out too much. I don't know. But I think I will have to not see him for some time before I really start to not like him. It's amazing how quickly my feelings change. Sometimes I can't handle it.
5. Why are people secretive about stuff that they don't need to be secret about!! We all know whats going on. I know what's going on.
6. AM I STUPID. SO ANNOYED!

Things are crazy around here. My friends are leaning on me alot lately which is fine with me. i don't mind it at all. That's what friends are for! I'm just glad that things worked out. I have realized how strong I am and how much I am able to handle. It's amazing. The quarter started off a little rocky. It's getting better though. I am ready to work and get things done.

I am really annoyed right now. REALLY ANNOYED!! I am trying to figure out why people act the way they act! I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Father, Can you hear me?

All I have to say is that I serve an AWESOME GOD!!

My heart overfloweth

Life can be so hard sometimes....I feel that I have been at my lowest point. And I am still standing. I am here. So I believe whole heartedly that he will get throught this. I know it's hard now but you have to keep going. You can't stop living. God never gives you more than you can handle. So I know that he can handle this. I know this.

I wish that I can take all of her pain and anguish away from her.

Words of Wisdom

Courtesy of B.Scott:
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” - Buddha

Night Time Thoughts

So J just left about twenty minutes ago. It was fun..just chillin. I like to just chill sometimes, no parties, random ppl, loud music....just chill. I think he wanted to go out but I wasn't up to it. I'm tired. Being sick is not working well for me. Anyway I had a really conversation with JB today. It was great. I love our long talks. He is such a wonderful person!! He said alot of things that I needed to hear once again. I'm feeling really strange right now. I don't know. All the talk about relationships, being around Court and Aj&Katie and Alex...
Sometimes it is bit too much because I don't have what they have...the relationship piece. The significant other. I mean, I guess that's cool because I have other things that need my attention. But it would be nice.
Someones first good morning and last good night :)
One day... one day....one day
My Tea Cake <3
I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. I think I'm going to stay up and try to get something else done.
Working while daydreaming...

My Dessert Personality

LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.

Sooo the second week of school has come to an end. It's Friday night and I was reading for Sociology class;I'm perfectly okay with that. I have a lot of work to do this weekend. I wanted to get more done today but I've been tired this whole day!! I hope I see my Lauren Orellana tomorrow or sometime this weekend!! This has been a crazy week. Once again I've made it through. Selah, the song, gets me through. I feel like Lauryn was thinking of me when she wrote it. Every time I hear it, I feel revived. As in, I can do anything now that I have realized my mistakes and shortcomings. I am loving life right now.
*To Lavee: I absolutely love you. I don't know where I would be without you. I am blessed that you are in my life. I hope you know how much I appreciate you and all that you do for me. Even though sometimes I don't listen to your advice, my heart always hears.
With much love and swapped hairs,
Janeane

Learning how to swim

OK SO I'm so childish. I know that what I did was childish. I KNOW.
So what. I'm aware of my behavior. It's almost a joke to me...that's when I realized that I wasn't being serious about the situation. This ish was cracking me up. But goodness I get it. I GET IT, despite my actions and what I say...I do get it. I know that probably didn't make any sense. But it does to me which at the end if the day is important.
I'm seriously crazy. I know that a guy who deserves me and everything that I can offer him is out there somewhere. Waiting for me. He is probably going through his own life struggles. But he knows I'm there for him too.
I'm realizing that I can get so far deep into things and not know. Ish happens. I'm learning from my mistakes and misjudgments. It may not seem like it when I keep doing the same stupid stuff over and over again. Sometimes you have to keep making the same mistake to actually REALIZE that you need to get it together.
It's just taking me a while to realize. Despite what everyone around me thinks, I am not as naive as I seem. I see my relationships with boys as a person who is learning how to swim. I know the basic breathing techniques. But I'm still learning the strokes. I know how to talk to boys and hang out blah blah blah..but those gray areas trip me up, the spot in the pool where the shallow end switches to the deep end. I thought I was in the shallow end but somewhere along the way I find myself in the 12 feet struggling to stay afloat. Right now, today, I am slowly making my way out of the 12 feet and back to the shallow end. I know I can make it because I know the basics.
I am in the process of proving myself capable of doing things and following through.
FOLLOW THROUGH

THROUGH

For Court to finally take me seriously, I need to take myself seriously.
No more.....
I have so many other things that need my attention. I have finally realized that I don't have time or energy for all of this MonKey-DoOdLe foolishness.
I know I can stay on track. I have put myself self created drama filled situations because I like the attention I guess. But that stops today FOR REAL. I'm not emotionally stable for this emotional roller coaster that I'm on. I don't even like roller coasters all that much!!

:)

Bizarre

What a crazy week! Thank goodness I only have one more day of classes. So this thing I have with him is absolutely BIZARRE!! I need to stop but I love the instant gratification of it all. I need to learn how to exercise some SELF CONTROL!!

I have epiphanies everyday it seems like. I'm so through with him. Is he an asset or a liability to my life? And the answer is: LIABILITY. He serves no purpose to me whatsoever. Like I'm really done. I know that actions speak louder than words. So I need to be more proactive.

asset or liability: which one are you?!

WHY?

BOYS ARE DUMB.
BUT GIRLS ARE MORE DUMB FOR LETTING THERE FEELINGS GET THE BEST OF THEM!
REALLY?
SERIOUSLY?
I am supposed to be done with this whole situation. But I find myself in the same sTuPiD place!!
I put myself for here. For what? What do I have to show for it?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
So much drama for no reason.
I was bored I wanted something to happen. I used him for my drama/attention fix.
I can't use him for that and he can longer use me for...his attention fix.
JB said it perfectly.
I keep making the same mistake over and over again. I take one step forward to only take two steps back.
HE IS NOT FUCKING YOU FOR YOUR MIND!
He is not talking to me because I am intellectually stimulating. He is not talking to me because he genuinely wants to be my friend and what not.
I am his time filler. I don't want to be his time filler, only to be talked to when he is bored and needs his fix.
I'm like a drug to him.
He is a drug to me.
I can no longer rely on my drug to get me high.
I can't move from him to someone else.
My feelings for him were completely irrational. Why do I continuously put myself on this emotional roller coaster?
I know why. The reasons are clear as day. I can see them, touch them.
They slip through my fingers, wisping past my finger tips.
I haven't learned how to hang on to my emotions. I let them go so easily, effortlessly.
I chase them. never quite able to hang on.
I run to them. only to have them float farther from me.
Today the running stops.
The long nights tossing and turning emotions through my fingers
ends today.
I will begin to hold on to my emotions
With strength and determination
Through tears I see them clearly, waiting to be taken by no one else other than myself.
No one can have them until I am ready to place them gently in someone else's caring hands.
And in this moment I am not ready.
I am ready to be with myself.
:)
Sometimes I wonder why things happens the way they do. Why I don't have the things that I want. Oprah or Dr. Robin once said that whatever is going on in our lives; is a reflection of us.
I am experiencing drama (irrational it may be) because those are the vibes that I am sending out. I don't want drama. So I need to make some changes. I have yet to make the necessary changes in my life. I once again feel stuck. I don't like it. It has to stop. I can't live this way anymore. I'm happy with my life and the people that are in it. But I know that I have to make some serious changes in order to be where I want to be.
A day of drama for no reason at all.
SERIOUSLY?!
Just a waste of time and energy.
I have to be about it.
*you're either an assest or a liabilty*

First Week Back

1. I'm glad to be back! Like I said, it's my quarter!!
2. I hate that we can't expect the unexpected...
3. I'm loving this Danity Kane cd! ;)
4. I feel like something is missing. What is it?
5. Boys are confusing!!
6. I love to go out and party. But the icebreaker was almost too much to me. All the people and the closeness of it all. I had fun but I observed a lot of things...why do girls think it's okay to go out of the house w/o panties?! NOT CLASSY AT ALL! The guys are too much also. In conclusion, I won't find my man @ the club!! ;) I hope Andrea and Nicole had a good time!!
7. Sometimes I don't like the fact that I can't read people. People are confusing. I should probably just give up trying to figure people out?!
8. Something is missing. Is something really missing or do I want something?

Questions. Questions. Questions.

Ecstasy-Danity Kane

Boy you got me twisted
I must admit it
I just can't resist
I can't get you off my senses
You make me feel brand new
The things you do
Oh, you know that I'm feenin' for you
I just got to have it
It's getting drastic
I can't break the habit
I'm just an addict
For your love
It's like a drug
Baby let me take you to

LAst Night of the Play

Ok so I'm not as irritated anymore.

Tonight was the opening night of the show. I messed up a few lines but other than that it went very well. My mother came!! I was glad that she was able to come
I heaRt mi madre!!!!

I need to start working out again...SERIOUSLY!!

So Irritated

It's really not funny anymore! The jokes are starting to get to me. I shared my experiences because we were having a heart to heart and now I'm second guessing myself. I shouldn't have told him all that stuff about me. Now he looks at me differently. The comments that he said tonight....I'm like really?!
You call me names but you can send me a crazy text message saying something else?!
What?! I'm so irritated right now! I don't if I'm more upset with him and what he said or the situation (before he even entered the picture)?
I know who I am. I am not the same person that I was back then or just a few short months ago. I don't appreciate my experience being a joke. It's not funny it's something that I deal with everyday. For that to be funny to someone is not cool.
I'm so mad.....
I can't even handle it right now.
I am comfortable with who I am but I will NOT be disrespected anymore. I feel like if I told you it wasn't funny the first time, the second time wouldn't be funny either.
Why am I never entitled to my feelings? I am always too mean or why did you get so annoyed with stuff. BECAUSE I DO! That's how I feel, I should be able to have my own feelings. I let people have their feelings, never questioning why they feel that way or this way. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel.
You know what, I'm so done with this. I am who I am, I can't and won't change that for anyone.
I'm going to talk to him about what he said. If he gets mad, so what.
I am owning my feelings!

Triangle

Tonight was an out of body experience for me. I felt like I was talking about someone else.
I never thought I would ever tell him all of those things about myself. It was a tough convo for me to have...it was the first time I talked about of them at once; in an in-depth sequence of each other. It was so surreal for me. Hmm....so many thoughts swirling around in my brain.
I truly believe that certain people come into your life for a reason.....
I hEaRt my frienDs!
I went to the doctor today. Swollen, mucus covered tonsils. What fun?!
My play is on Friday! I'm not even nervous right now!
I'm super duper excited.
I'm starting the quarter off right....late nights! ;)

Back @ school

I'm back @ school!! ;) I'm excited to be back!!
Tomorrow is the first day of classes!!
Homework, quizzes, three hour labs, midterms,.....I wanted to be back here so badly because?!

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going."-Jim Rahn

Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing.-Thomas Edison

I hEaRt Danity Kane

Welcome to the Dollhouse is a really good cd ;)

Bad Girl

When the red light comes on I transform

When the red light comes on I transform

[Aubrey]

Look in my eyes covered in Maybelline

Looking like something fresh out a magazine

I can be part of your deepest fantasies

You’re the detective come solve my mystery

[D. Woods]

Some say that love is all that I’m missing

Some call it jezebel, I call it attention

But what they don’t know they can’t even imagine

Say I don’t have no self-esteem but it’s my fashion

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl, a bad girl

I can be your addiction if you wanna get hooked on me

I can be your addiction if you wanna get hooked on me

Maybe I’m just a bad girlMaybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl, a bad girl

When the red light comes on I transform (When the red light comes on I transform)

When the red light comes on I transform

[Dawn]Something about me has got you hypnotized

Examine my body like you’re the science guy

Watching my every move you anticipate

What ya thinking about boy I can recreate

[Aundrea]Some say that love is all that I’m missing

Some call it jezebel, I call it attention

But what they don’t know they can’t even imagine

Say I don’t have no self-esteem but it’s my fashion

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl, a bad girl

(Missy Elliott Rap)

I can be your addiction if you wanna get hooked on me

I can be your addiction if you wanna get hooked on me

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl, a bad girl

When the red light comes on I transform (When the red light comes on I transform)

When the red light comes on I transform

From a caterpillar to a butterfly

I know I got something that you’re gonna like

Don’t be afraid I won’t let you down

I’m the one that will make you come around

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl, a bad girl

I can be your addiction if you wanna get hooked on me

I can be your addiction if you wanna get hooked on me

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl, a bad girl

When the red light comes on I transform (When the red light comes on I transform)

When the red light comes on I transform

H a p P y

I'm liking this new Danity Kane cd! It has a lot of stuff that I can dance to!!
Anyway, I will be back @ school on Sunday. I'm excited to be going back. This is MY quaRteR!!
I haven't felt this happy for a long time. It feels nice! :)
I'm not really worried about the friend drama coming into Spring Quarter. I'm not going to do anything extra in terms of being the "glue".
I'm only a phone call/text/im/facebook message or wall post away.
While I was reading He's Just Not That Into You, I realized that people are never too busy to stay in contact. It's a choice!!!
I'm so cool on the boy issue. I'm just going with the flow
If it happens, it happens. If not, my world will go on!!
It feels great to BE BACK :)

Be the change you want to see

The need to workout is so serious!! I was looking in the mirror and was NOT happy. As I watched Why Did I Get Married, one of the characters said, "If you want to change your body, do something about it"
I think it really is that simple. I feel rejuvenated to get my body right. I know what I want it to look like; I just have to put in the work!!
I am beginning to see a trend in my life. I know the things that I need to change; I just need to put in work to do so!
An epiphany I would assume!!
I am loving where I am right now. I have "to be the change I want to see" words from the late Yolanda King.
It's a great feeling :)

*New New

My new favorite song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9snq-zcdCtI
It's called Google Me by Teyana Taylor!
I love it!!
So the discussion didn't happen today. I'm not ready. I will do it before I go home. I just keep thinking to myself "Is this conversation really necessary?" Yes, I know that it is. It's going to be weird. What am I going to say? What is she going to say? How am I going to start it off?
Simply put, it's going to be awkward. But I need to get it over with!!!
The sooner, the better!!

Thoughts...

So today is supposedly the day....
I'm nervous. I don't want to do it.
Why do I have to again? What are the reasons that make this conversation necessary?
Ugh
Anyway I'm ready to go back to school. I have so many things that I need to accomplish. I am a strong believer in second chances. This is my chance to do better. I have things that I need to prove to myself. I know what I am capable of; I just need to show it. I am in this in between stage of my life.
Just a few random thoughts:
1. GirLFrIeNds are so important!! I love mine. They mean the world to me. <3
2. So I really need to start working out. I went to the mall and looked at swimsuits. Not the best idea! Lol.
3. I need a job! Too many things that need to be paid for next year....my new ApaRtMenT!!
4. Speaking of my apartment, I'm excited about that. My own place!!

My New Motto

And if at first you don't succeed Then dust yourself off and try again ...
This rings true with me. Because I have been given the opportunity to redeem myself. And I'm going to run with it. :) That is all I can do from here on out. It's time to be BETTER than I ever was. I'm sure I sound very cliche right now. Lol. But phrases like this one fit my emotions at the moment!!

College Drop Out

Uuuuuggggghhhhhh
I'm dropping out of school!
What happened to the As and Bs that I used to get?
I never had to worry about my grades in high school and then college hit!!!
Well guess what I am still going to win! I have too many things that I want to accomplish in this world. I need to a college degree to do that. So next quarter is my chance to be better!!
My last second chance. I can't let this one get away from me.

He's Just Not That Into You

I am reading He's Just Not That Into You! I remember seeing Oprah feature this book on her show. Lol. As I read, I can see myself in the stories that are being shared. The concept is so simple and yet difficult to wrap my head around. As a woman, I think that I am programmed to analyze (over-analyze sometimes) EVERYTHING! This book tells me to STOP. If a guy likes you, you'll know. They will let you know!! I have to stop making excuses.
Stop settling. I know that there is someone out there who wants to my boyfriend!!
It is such a refreshing read. I haven't finished reading it but I think every young girl should read this book. I think it will lessen the late night girl talks about the complexity of boys! ;)

Today Is a New Day

I am feeling better. Today I started going over my lines for the play. I'm very excited about it! I'm glad that my mom will be able to come and see me!
I am really ready for the changes that I am going to make.
Everything is looking up...
:)

sad

I'm feeling a bit down. I just saw my grade in 401; it wasn't what I expected.
I am just feeling sad because I know that I have to make some changes. I just want to be able to have a quarter where I don't have to worry about my grades or my GPA......
sad :(

Musically Inclined-9/7/07

Words do not come to my lips
Unable to explain what I feel
I turn to music
Melodies that my fingers are blessed to produce
My head is full of notes, treble clefs, and sharps
Wanting to be perfectly placed on a staff in 4/4 time
Sitting at the piano the black and white keys stare back at me
As if they know something that I don't
Poised with high wrists
My hands dance across the keys
Graceful the notes escape the keys from the piano like
a ballerina doing a pirouette
Words cease to exist when music can explain it all

Spring Break Begins

Finally made it home....what a long day!
Here are a few things that are on my mind

• Spring Break is a joke. One week from school only to begin it again?! Please! I need two or three weeks from school after the quarter that I've had. But I can't have it my way. One week it is!! I do have plans to make some changes for next quarter! I have to do better!
• Growth=hard. Dealing with something is hard. Sometimes I wonder why does it have to be so hard. Bu I realize that if it wasn't difficult would I get it? Would I learn my lesson?
• I'm loving this song, "Get to know him" by Joy Enriquez! Without God in my life I don't think I would still be standing with half the strength I possess. Each time I pray, I pray for strength. It is something that I need. But without the Lord I am not full. I am nothing. Believing in something greater than me is a wonderful thing.
• I am happy to be away from school. This time away will do me some good. I need a break!
• I know when I see my grades I will be disappointed. But i have another quarter to get it together. I can't mess up this time. I know what I am capable of. I am capable or FabULous things. I am in the process of getting back to that!!

Sleep Makes A Difference

I've finally had time to sleep. It's been great! I look forward to sleep these days. My finals are over. I am extremely nervous about my grades....Hopefully I'll scrape by with some C's and still have a decent GPA....
I'm so glad that the quarter is over....It was full of tears, late nights, and unexplainable emotions.
I am so done with him. I still think about him but I fully understand that he can't give me what I need at this time. He won't ever be able to give me what I need.
I'm in this in between stage right now. I'm on the cusp of something.....
Right now I am in a good place
I have a WonDeRfuL fRieNds :)
I am still standing after a HARD quarter
It is time for that conversation! I'm going to be twenty next month...it's time!

*Truly blessed*

Ugh

I took my last final this morning. I am so DONE with winter quarter. Anything that could have possibly went wrong, DID. I feel horrible...such a failure. Ugh....
Like I have to get it right next quarter. My mother is going to have a field day with this one...I don't even want to hear it

FINALS

I am officially in love with the genius that is LUPE FIASCO!! I listened to his second CD, The Cool, and loved it. Fav songs: Intruder Alert ,The Coolest, and Paris,Tokyo. I can't wait until finals are over. Why do we have finals?! Staying motivated has been tough. All I want to do is SLEEP. I miss sleep. I'm sot tired but not so sick. I am feeling a little bit better. I kicked it with the Boy today. As always it was fun. :) Not really sure where it's going...not really worried about it. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. Woooow looking back at this quarter, I've been through a lot but I'm still here. Better for it. "I have to know better in order to do better" I know better now. What an experience! I still can't believe it. I can't wait to go home and relax. But I know that my mother and I will have some things to discuss. I'm growing up and I realize that things must be done and said.
I am feeling more like myslef these days. It's nice :)

TIRED

To put it simply, I am soOo extremely tired.
I have to study through a really horrible sinus infection and a possible case of strep throat.
How about we cancel finals?! Never will I ever take 21 credit hours!!! What was I thinking? Clearly I wasn't. I have realized that I can't work under all that pressure. I need to have a regular sleeping schedule...I need to have a schedule. I wasn't able to find that this quarter. I know I say this each quarter but I honestly truly believe that Spring Quarter will be different. It has to be! I can't have a repeat of this quarter. Academically and emotionally I am tired! So tired of saying that I am tired.
Spring Break: one week away from school..what a joke. I need like two or three weeks to recover from the quarter that I've had. I should go to sleep but I want to keep working on my paper.
No I think sleep in my bed wins.
I hate being sick, I absolutely don't like it.
I have been feeling very poetic these days.
The words have so easily. I like it.
With that, I am off to bed.
Aaaah finals begin on MONDAY!!

Something Special

I just got done watching the best movie ever, Love and Basketball!!! I love that movie!!
Anyway finals start on Monday! I am studying hard core tomorrow. I have to do well!
The poem I wrote this afternoon was so cleansing....I needed to write that. I hope he sees it. He might be so oblivious to my feelings that he won't understand it. I want to be okay with him not understanding it. I am kinda but I'm not all the way there.
I'm such a hopeless romantic, thoughts of him and I watching movies together are running through mind. He is not mine. He may never be. I don't want to go through the world with a bunch of what ifs. I want to ask those uncomfortable questions, questions I don't necessarily need to know. These are questions that I don't think I should/need to ask. I don't want to be surprised by his answers.
I am learning how to be patient. It's not easy. But I am learning.
What I am learning:

• how to be happy with what is right in front me
• how to not forget my standards and expectations
• how to not settle for mediocrity--I deserve to be surrounded around beautiful things and people.
• simply how to be

I have been feeling very poetic these days. Probably because I am so aware of my feelings as of late ;). I question my feelings a lot when it comes to guys. I think I am trying to distinguish between true feelings and attraction. There is a difference. I haven't questioned my feelings for him alot alot, I do question his just because I don't know for sure. I've never been in this position, questioning his feelings. I do think my feelings are coming from a genuine place...

I guard my feelings....Who wants to be hurt. I've been stung;never hurt. I don't know if I can let him in, there are things that I need to work on that might block his entrance.

Truth in Words-Poem

The quarter is practically over. I didn't think I was going to make it. Here I am. I am so tired of being so tired. I think spring break will be good for me. I need some time away from this campus. I think I'll be ready to come back! I'm excited for my play!!
I hope everyone can come and see me in action!!

Truth in words:

We cannot continue.

You no longer give me what I need.
What did you give me in the first place?
This is the real question.
With false hopes I allowed your words into my heart
It all began so innocently
Now here I stand confused
Because the words I hung onto
No longer hold truth
I was willing to give you a part of me
I am startled at how quickly I was willing do that
I wanted to you out of my heart
I had let you so far in I wasn't sure if you would
Find your way
Out.
But then it came to me I can't wait for you to
Leave my heart.
I must push you out with something greater than me
and I did.
I allowed you to leave a few words here and there
You left too easily for my comfort.
Casting out the few words have been the hardest
My connection to your words was a little strong
But with a force greater than me
I left them out to dry
You can pick them up anytime you want
But I won't be there to see you pick up your tainted words
I can no longer see the truth in them
I see truth in me
In my heart
I have now made room
for a person
Not words
A person who can give me their presence
Something you were never able to do
See with truth parading in my heart
I see no benefits in settling
No benefits in lowering standards that I have worked so hard to build
No benefits in a person who added nothing but confusion to my life
I am waiting for someone to compliment my truths with their own

Challenged

I am taking a moment to be still. I haven't had time to do that in awhile....it's nice :)

Things I have been thinking about:

1. Who am I? In the sense that during this entire quarter I didn't know who I was. The whole situation made me loose my sense of self. I am slowly putting the pieces of myself back together. It's not easy but I know I have to do it. (We do what we have to do so that we can do what we want to do)
2. Being sick is no fun!! I don't like it I don't even know what to do with myself!!
3. College is STRESSFUL during final weeks. There is not enough time. I look back on the quarter and think about all the things that I could have done differently. But once again there is nothing that I can do to change the times where I was supposed to be studying or doing this or doing that. I can only work hard from this moment on and hope for the best.
4. So about that boy: who really knows?! That's what I need. I need to be challenged!
Yup that's it...a challenge.
5. I really want to watch Their Eyes Were Watching God! Such a good movie!! :)
6.What am I passsionate about as a 19 year old woman? What makes me happy?

Missing Sleep

I miss sleeping.
Sleeping long hours
floating among my dreams and thoughts.
I don't sleep
I take naps each night
only to be awoken by my blaring alarm clock....
Honestly, I am tired.
I just want to sit
Sleep.
Do absolutely nothing
I am tired
Today was a good day. I am hanging on to the bit of strength that I have.
I can't let that go or I will fall
I am tired
Oh so tired
with sleepy eyes and tired hands i type this
In search of a calming influence...he'll find me
I hope ;)
I am open to change
I am finally open to something different
I hope this change allows me time to sleep!!!

Silent Nights

Without words, he held her while she slept
Watching her chest rise and fall
He held her
He liked these moments with her
The silence
Thoughts passing through his mind to the rhythm of her expanding lungs
He wanted her to feel safe and protected
But sometimes during these silents nights he longed for the protection from her arms
He felt he never could admit this but he wanted to be held
without words
simply being held in her arms
He wanted her to come to his rescue
In the middle of the night when she wrapped herself around him
and listened to him breathe
He knew that she knew
and love fell into his heart

So Tired

I am SO SLEEPY! I don't even know the last time I slept peacefully, a whole 7 or 8 hours. I can't believe that Javon decided to sign with the Raiders!!!! That is crazy! I mean can I get a team that actually is a winning team. Maybe he'll follow Randy Moss to England! Lol.
Time to study! I'll be at the library all night tomorrow....FOR REAL!
I need to! I need to do well this quarter. Finals are my last chance.

1. I don't like to be sick! I absolutely don't like it.
2. Musical Catch Phrase...the best game ever
3. Spring Break..can't wait for it!

just a few random thoughts

1. Why don't I know if I like him? I mean I like being around him. I don't want to stop being around him but does that mean I like him enough to be in a relationship with? Do I like him because Court bought "him" to my attention? I don't know. I honestly don't know.
2. Life is complicated. I've known that for a long time but I finally am realizing it. Feelings complicate things. There are good complications and bad complications.
3. No one can protect my heart. Not even me. I want to be some one's girlfriend. Someones first good morning and last good night. I want all of that...even the fights, the misunderstandings, the tears....the relationship. But i have some things that I need to work through before he can arrive.
4. Why did he come into my life? What was his purpose? I don't know. What am I supposed to learn from him? I feel that there was a lessen there. But I don't know. I need to be myself says the girls who has never had a "real" relationship. I want the real relationship. I am learning how to wait; to be patient. It's hard!! Maybe he represented my struggle with patience. But my 19 year old self knows that there is no room for him in my life and there never will be because we will never be on the same life plan. He's not my enchanted love (from Girlfriends!!).
4. I am dealing with my inner struggles. I am working on within but I can't fully do that with finals creeping up! In the end I'll get it together!!

Want all of it and ask for it. Look beyond what is right in front of you. Life is the main course, the appetizer, and the dessert. So get the dressing on the salad no side orders.~Side Order of Life
This is from my favorite show Side Order of Life. I want it all. I don't want to settle. I want it all and I think if I work on what I need to I will get my "wants".
I can't wait until this quarter is over. It was too stressful for me. I can't believe I am still standing. I am standing maybe not as tall as I would like but I am standing. Wow. I am standing. I am a strong girl. I really didn't know. I am more emotional than most people would think. Trust and believe on a regular day most things don't bother me. But some days things just really get to me. Like the texts and the boy ( I learned that I need to let people contact me)...that really got to me, him saying that I am dramatic and easily stressed ( I AM DRAMATIC but I feel like he doesn't get to tell me about myself).....
Tomorrow is always a new beginning...I need to start living that

A Few Random Thoughts

1. Why am I always the person who calls and texts? Everyone says that I'm the glue. Well guess what? The glue is taking a break!! If you need me...I'm a call/text away!!!
2.I need to be content with the state of my life. I am 19 years old talking about the sate of my life!! I sound extra old!! Lol. In all seriousness I need to be happy with what's around me. I no longer have time for the forever long daydreams and the what ifs.
3. I need to start living the high standards that I set for others around me. I need to expect more out of myself. I have been settling for mediocrity and I don't like it!!
4. Boys aren't going anywhere.
5. I am destined to for greatness...it's time to be about it!!

I love Grey's Anatomy

So here are a few quotes from Grey's that I absolutely love:

• Okay, so, sometimes, even the best of us make rash decisions, bad decisions, decisions we pretty much know we're regret the moment, the minute....especially the morning after. I mean, maybe not regret.... regret, because at least we put ourselves out there. But still, something inside of us decides to do a crazy thing, a thing we know that will probably bite us in the ass, but we do it anyway. What I am saying is, we reap what we sew. What comes around goes around. Like I was saying... payback is a bitch
• Change; we don't like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But here’s the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes change is everything.
• At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.
  

Please Don't Stop The Music

These past few days have been fun!!! I love to dance!! Patty is a daNcInG MaChiNe, trust and believe. But all the fun has to stop because I need to settle down and study. I just want to take a moment and praise the Lord! He has been with me throughout the hard times. He is with me always and for this I am thankful. He has put wonderful people in my life!! Thank you!!

So talking to him again...not the best idea. I should have kept him at a distance. Now I have let him back in. Why? I don't know. I mean my connection to him is so stupid and I know that. It's something so insignificant. It started off innocently. He can't give me what I want. What do I want? Because I clearly fall back into bad habits. And I need to direct all my strength into NOT talking to boys that don't compliment my life. Yes he is not complimenting my life.
Unlike my friends, I can't rush this. I have rushed too many times before. And it has gotten me damp pillows and sleepless nights. So with him I want this to be different. I want to be his friend. And then maybe something more.
Friends: So My is living a whole different life. I am not a a fixture like i used to be and I am okay with that. I want her to know that even though I don't agree with what she does but I am still her girl at the end of the day. I hope she knows that. But she can't read my mind and I can't read hers. I want her to understand that!! I have a wonderful group of friends, they all give me something different. I hope I add something fabulous to their lives also!

Night-Time Thoughts

Thinking about my results....I am okay. At the end of the day I am okay. I don't think it has sunk in yet. I do realize that even though I am okay a conversation between my mother and I needs to be hand. I have been an emotional wreck for two months...so ridiculous.
But now is the time to really step my game up. I need to study all weekend. For real. Saturday night I can play but other than that I have to STUDY no matter what. I can't when pulling all nighters will be a thing of the past. Finally looking forward to Spring Break. Being home!! That will be nice. I can be so impulsive sometimes.. why did I text him?
We shall see if texts me back and what I will say in response. I liked talking to him but I think if I allow him back into my life there has to be boundaries. I can't let myself fall again. I don't think I have the energy for it.
I can't believe that Big Sis took any blame in what happened! She is truly a blessing even though she can be completely off the wall sometimes...gotta love her!
Things with the other friend are kind of on the rocks. . .I was expecting it. So much stuff has happened within the last two quarters. Hopefully I'll talk to her tomorrow and work it out..it might take more than just that one convo but it's a start.

Truly blessed!!!!!