First Week Back

1. I'm glad to be back! Like I said, it's my quarter!!
2. I hate that we can't expect the unexpected...
3. I'm loving this Danity Kane cd! ;)
4. I feel like something is missing. What is it?
5. Boys are confusing!!
6. I love to go out and party. But the icebreaker was almost too much to me. All the people and the closeness of it all. I had fun but I observed a lot of things...why do girls think it's okay to go out of the house w/o panties?! NOT CLASSY AT ALL! The guys are too much also. In conclusion, I won't find my man @ the club!! ;) I hope Andrea and Nicole had a good time!!
7. Sometimes I don't like the fact that I can't read people. People are confusing. I should probably just give up trying to figure people out?!
8. Something is missing. Is something really missing or do I want something?

Questions. Questions. Questions.

Ecstasy-Danity Kane

Boy you got me twisted
I must admit it
I just can't resist
I can't get you off my senses
You make me feel brand new
The things you do
Oh, you know that I'm feenin' for you
I just got to have it
It's getting drastic
I can't break the habit
I'm just an addict
For your love
It's like a drug
Baby let me take you to

LAst Night of the Play

Ok so I'm not as irritated anymore.

Tonight was the opening night of the show. I messed up a few lines but other than that it went very well. My mother came!! I was glad that she was able to come
I heaRt mi madre!!!!

I need to start working out again...SERIOUSLY!!

So Irritated

It's really not funny anymore! The jokes are starting to get to me. I shared my experiences because we were having a heart to heart and now I'm second guessing myself. I shouldn't have told him all that stuff about me. Now he looks at me differently. The comments that he said tonight....I'm like really?!
You call me names but you can send me a crazy text message saying something else?!
What?! I'm so irritated right now! I don't if I'm more upset with him and what he said or the situation (before he even entered the picture)?
I know who I am. I am not the same person that I was back then or just a few short months ago. I don't appreciate my experience being a joke. It's not funny it's something that I deal with everyday. For that to be funny to someone is not cool.
I'm so mad.....
I can't even handle it right now.
I am comfortable with who I am but I will NOT be disrespected anymore. I feel like if I told you it wasn't funny the first time, the second time wouldn't be funny either.
Why am I never entitled to my feelings? I am always too mean or why did you get so annoyed with stuff. BECAUSE I DO! That's how I feel, I should be able to have my own feelings. I let people have their feelings, never questioning why they feel that way or this way. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel.
You know what, I'm so done with this. I am who I am, I can't and won't change that for anyone.
I'm going to talk to him about what he said. If he gets mad, so what.
I am owning my feelings!

Triangle

Tonight was an out of body experience for me. I felt like I was talking about someone else.
I never thought I would ever tell him all of those things about myself. It was a tough convo for me to have...it was the first time I talked about of them at once; in an in-depth sequence of each other. It was so surreal for me. Hmm....so many thoughts swirling around in my brain.
I truly believe that certain people come into your life for a reason.....
I hEaRt my frienDs!
I went to the doctor today. Swollen, mucus covered tonsils. What fun?!
My play is on Friday! I'm not even nervous right now!
I'm super duper excited.
I'm starting the quarter off right....late nights! ;)

Back @ school

I'm back @ school!! ;) I'm excited to be back!!
Tomorrow is the first day of classes!!
Homework, quizzes, three hour labs, midterms,.....I wanted to be back here so badly because?!

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going."-Jim Rahn

Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing.-Thomas Edison

I hEaRt Danity Kane

Welcome to the Dollhouse is a really good cd ;)

Bad Girl

When the red light comes on I transform

When the red light comes on I transform

[Aubrey]

Look in my eyes covered in Maybelline

Looking like something fresh out a magazine

I can be part of your deepest fantasies

You’re the detective come solve my mystery

[D. Woods]

Some say that love is all that I’m missing

Some call it jezebel, I call it attention

But what they don’t know they can’t even imagine

Say I don’t have no self-esteem but it’s my fashion

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl, a bad girl

I can be your addiction if you wanna get hooked on me

I can be your addiction if you wanna get hooked on me

Maybe I’m just a bad girlMaybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl, a bad girl

When the red light comes on I transform (When the red light comes on I transform)

When the red light comes on I transform

[Dawn]Something about me has got you hypnotized

Examine my body like you’re the science guy

Watching my every move you anticipate

What ya thinking about boy I can recreate

[Aundrea]Some say that love is all that I’m missing

Some call it jezebel, I call it attention

But what they don’t know they can’t even imagine

Say I don’t have no self-esteem but it’s my fashion

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl, a bad girl

(Missy Elliott Rap)

I can be your addiction if you wanna get hooked on me

I can be your addiction if you wanna get hooked on me

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl, a bad girl

When the red light comes on I transform (When the red light comes on I transform)

When the red light comes on I transform

From a caterpillar to a butterfly

I know I got something that you’re gonna like

Don’t be afraid I won’t let you down

I’m the one that will make you come around

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl, a bad girl

I can be your addiction if you wanna get hooked on me

I can be your addiction if you wanna get hooked on me

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl

Maybe I’m just a bad girl, a bad girl

When the red light comes on I transform (When the red light comes on I transform)

When the red light comes on I transform

H a p P y

I'm liking this new Danity Kane cd! It has a lot of stuff that I can dance to!!
Anyway, I will be back @ school on Sunday. I'm excited to be going back. This is MY quaRteR!!
I haven't felt this happy for a long time. It feels nice! :)
I'm not really worried about the friend drama coming into Spring Quarter. I'm not going to do anything extra in terms of being the "glue".
I'm only a phone call/text/im/facebook message or wall post away.
While I was reading He's Just Not That Into You, I realized that people are never too busy to stay in contact. It's a choice!!!
I'm so cool on the boy issue. I'm just going with the flow
If it happens, it happens. If not, my world will go on!!
It feels great to BE BACK :)

Be the change you want to see

The need to workout is so serious!! I was looking in the mirror and was NOT happy. As I watched Why Did I Get Married, one of the characters said, "If you want to change your body, do something about it"
I think it really is that simple. I feel rejuvenated to get my body right. I know what I want it to look like; I just have to put in the work!!
I am beginning to see a trend in my life. I know the things that I need to change; I just need to put in work to do so!
An epiphany I would assume!!
I am loving where I am right now. I have "to be the change I want to see" words from the late Yolanda King.
It's a great feeling :)

*New New

My new favorite song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9snq-zcdCtI
It's called Google Me by Teyana Taylor!
I love it!!
So the discussion didn't happen today. I'm not ready. I will do it before I go home. I just keep thinking to myself "Is this conversation really necessary?" Yes, I know that it is. It's going to be weird. What am I going to say? What is she going to say? How am I going to start it off?
Simply put, it's going to be awkward. But I need to get it over with!!!
The sooner, the better!!

Thoughts...

So today is supposedly the day....
I'm nervous. I don't want to do it.
Why do I have to again? What are the reasons that make this conversation necessary?
Ugh
Anyway I'm ready to go back to school. I have so many things that I need to accomplish. I am a strong believer in second chances. This is my chance to do better. I have things that I need to prove to myself. I know what I am capable of; I just need to show it. I am in this in between stage of my life.
Just a few random thoughts:
1. GirLFrIeNds are so important!! I love mine. They mean the world to me. <3
2. So I really need to start working out. I went to the mall and looked at swimsuits. Not the best idea! Lol.
3. I need a job! Too many things that need to be paid for next year....my new ApaRtMenT!!
4. Speaking of my apartment, I'm excited about that. My own place!!

My New Motto

And if at first you don't succeed Then dust yourself off and try again ...
This rings true with me. Because I have been given the opportunity to redeem myself. And I'm going to run with it. :) That is all I can do from here on out. It's time to be BETTER than I ever was. I'm sure I sound very cliche right now. Lol. But phrases like this one fit my emotions at the moment!!

College Drop Out

Uuuuuggggghhhhhh
I'm dropping out of school!
What happened to the As and Bs that I used to get?
I never had to worry about my grades in high school and then college hit!!!
Well guess what I am still going to win! I have too many things that I want to accomplish in this world. I need to a college degree to do that. So next quarter is my chance to be better!!
My last second chance. I can't let this one get away from me.

He's Just Not That Into You

I am reading He's Just Not That Into You! I remember seeing Oprah feature this book on her show. Lol. As I read, I can see myself in the stories that are being shared. The concept is so simple and yet difficult to wrap my head around. As a woman, I think that I am programmed to analyze (over-analyze sometimes) EVERYTHING! This book tells me to STOP. If a guy likes you, you'll know. They will let you know!! I have to stop making excuses.
Stop settling. I know that there is someone out there who wants to my boyfriend!!
It is such a refreshing read. I haven't finished reading it but I think every young girl should read this book. I think it will lessen the late night girl talks about the complexity of boys! ;)

Today Is a New Day

I am feeling better. Today I started going over my lines for the play. I'm very excited about it! I'm glad that my mom will be able to come and see me!
I am really ready for the changes that I am going to make.
Everything is looking up...
:)

sad

I'm feeling a bit down. I just saw my grade in 401; it wasn't what I expected.
I am just feeling sad because I know that I have to make some changes. I just want to be able to have a quarter where I don't have to worry about my grades or my GPA......
sad :(

Musically Inclined-9/7/07

Words do not come to my lips
Unable to explain what I feel
I turn to music
Melodies that my fingers are blessed to produce
My head is full of notes, treble clefs, and sharps
Wanting to be perfectly placed on a staff in 4/4 time
Sitting at the piano the black and white keys stare back at me
As if they know something that I don't
Poised with high wrists
My hands dance across the keys
Graceful the notes escape the keys from the piano like
a ballerina doing a pirouette
Words cease to exist when music can explain it all

Spring Break Begins

Finally made it home....what a long day!
Here are a few things that are on my mind

• Spring Break is a joke. One week from school only to begin it again?! Please! I need two or three weeks from school after the quarter that I've had. But I can't have it my way. One week it is!! I do have plans to make some changes for next quarter! I have to do better!
• Growth=hard. Dealing with something is hard. Sometimes I wonder why does it have to be so hard. Bu I realize that if it wasn't difficult would I get it? Would I learn my lesson?
• I'm loving this song, "Get to know him" by Joy Enriquez! Without God in my life I don't think I would still be standing with half the strength I possess. Each time I pray, I pray for strength. It is something that I need. But without the Lord I am not full. I am nothing. Believing in something greater than me is a wonderful thing.
• I am happy to be away from school. This time away will do me some good. I need a break!
• I know when I see my grades I will be disappointed. But i have another quarter to get it together. I can't mess up this time. I know what I am capable of. I am capable or FabULous things. I am in the process of getting back to that!!

Sleep Makes A Difference

I've finally had time to sleep. It's been great! I look forward to sleep these days. My finals are over. I am extremely nervous about my grades....Hopefully I'll scrape by with some C's and still have a decent GPA....
I'm so glad that the quarter is over....It was full of tears, late nights, and unexplainable emotions.
I am so done with him. I still think about him but I fully understand that he can't give me what I need at this time. He won't ever be able to give me what I need.
I'm in this in between stage right now. I'm on the cusp of something.....
Right now I am in a good place
I have a WonDeRfuL fRieNds :)
I am still standing after a HARD quarter
It is time for that conversation! I'm going to be twenty next month...it's time!

*Truly blessed*

Ugh

I took my last final this morning. I am so DONE with winter quarter. Anything that could have possibly went wrong, DID. I feel horrible...such a failure. Ugh....
Like I have to get it right next quarter. My mother is going to have a field day with this one...I don't even want to hear it

FINALS

I am officially in love with the genius that is LUPE FIASCO!! I listened to his second CD, The Cool, and loved it. Fav songs: Intruder Alert ,The Coolest, and Paris,Tokyo. I can't wait until finals are over. Why do we have finals?! Staying motivated has been tough. All I want to do is SLEEP. I miss sleep. I'm sot tired but not so sick. I am feeling a little bit better. I kicked it with the Boy today. As always it was fun. :) Not really sure where it's going...not really worried about it. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. Woooow looking back at this quarter, I've been through a lot but I'm still here. Better for it. "I have to know better in order to do better" I know better now. What an experience! I still can't believe it. I can't wait to go home and relax. But I know that my mother and I will have some things to discuss. I'm growing up and I realize that things must be done and said.
I am feeling more like myslef these days. It's nice :)

TIRED

To put it simply, I am soOo extremely tired.
I have to study through a really horrible sinus infection and a possible case of strep throat.
How about we cancel finals?! Never will I ever take 21 credit hours!!! What was I thinking? Clearly I wasn't. I have realized that I can't work under all that pressure. I need to have a regular sleeping schedule...I need to have a schedule. I wasn't able to find that this quarter. I know I say this each quarter but I honestly truly believe that Spring Quarter will be different. It has to be! I can't have a repeat of this quarter. Academically and emotionally I am tired! So tired of saying that I am tired.
Spring Break: one week away from school..what a joke. I need like two or three weeks to recover from the quarter that I've had. I should go to sleep but I want to keep working on my paper.
No I think sleep in my bed wins.
I hate being sick, I absolutely don't like it.
I have been feeling very poetic these days.
The words have so easily. I like it.
With that, I am off to bed.
Aaaah finals begin on MONDAY!!

Something Special

I just got done watching the best movie ever, Love and Basketball!!! I love that movie!!
Anyway finals start on Monday! I am studying hard core tomorrow. I have to do well!
The poem I wrote this afternoon was so cleansing....I needed to write that. I hope he sees it. He might be so oblivious to my feelings that he won't understand it. I want to be okay with him not understanding it. I am kinda but I'm not all the way there.
I'm such a hopeless romantic, thoughts of him and I watching movies together are running through mind. He is not mine. He may never be. I don't want to go through the world with a bunch of what ifs. I want to ask those uncomfortable questions, questions I don't necessarily need to know. These are questions that I don't think I should/need to ask. I don't want to be surprised by his answers.
I am learning how to be patient. It's not easy. But I am learning.
What I am learning:

• how to be happy with what is right in front me
• how to not forget my standards and expectations
• how to not settle for mediocrity--I deserve to be surrounded around beautiful things and people.
• simply how to be

I have been feeling very poetic these days. Probably because I am so aware of my feelings as of late ;). I question my feelings a lot when it comes to guys. I think I am trying to distinguish between true feelings and attraction. There is a difference. I haven't questioned my feelings for him alot alot, I do question his just because I don't know for sure. I've never been in this position, questioning his feelings. I do think my feelings are coming from a genuine place...

I guard my feelings....Who wants to be hurt. I've been stung;never hurt. I don't know if I can let him in, there are things that I need to work on that might block his entrance.

Truth in Words-Poem

The quarter is practically over. I didn't think I was going to make it. Here I am. I am so tired of being so tired. I think spring break will be good for me. I need some time away from this campus. I think I'll be ready to come back! I'm excited for my play!!
I hope everyone can come and see me in action!!

Truth in words:

We cannot continue.

You no longer give me what I need.
What did you give me in the first place?
This is the real question.
With false hopes I allowed your words into my heart
It all began so innocently
Now here I stand confused
Because the words I hung onto
No longer hold truth
I was willing to give you a part of me
I am startled at how quickly I was willing do that
I wanted to you out of my heart
I had let you so far in I wasn't sure if you would
Find your way
Out.
But then it came to me I can't wait for you to
Leave my heart.
I must push you out with something greater than me
and I did.
I allowed you to leave a few words here and there
You left too easily for my comfort.
Casting out the few words have been the hardest
My connection to your words was a little strong
But with a force greater than me
I left them out to dry
You can pick them up anytime you want
But I won't be there to see you pick up your tainted words
I can no longer see the truth in them
I see truth in me
In my heart
I have now made room
for a person
Not words
A person who can give me their presence
Something you were never able to do
See with truth parading in my heart
I see no benefits in settling
No benefits in lowering standards that I have worked so hard to build
No benefits in a person who added nothing but confusion to my life
I am waiting for someone to compliment my truths with their own

Challenged

I am taking a moment to be still. I haven't had time to do that in awhile....it's nice :)

Things I have been thinking about:

1. Who am I? In the sense that during this entire quarter I didn't know who I was. The whole situation made me loose my sense of self. I am slowly putting the pieces of myself back together. It's not easy but I know I have to do it. (We do what we have to do so that we can do what we want to do)
2. Being sick is no fun!! I don't like it I don't even know what to do with myself!!
3. College is STRESSFUL during final weeks. There is not enough time. I look back on the quarter and think about all the things that I could have done differently. But once again there is nothing that I can do to change the times where I was supposed to be studying or doing this or doing that. I can only work hard from this moment on and hope for the best.
4. So about that boy: who really knows?! That's what I need. I need to be challenged!
Yup that's it...a challenge.
5. I really want to watch Their Eyes Were Watching God! Such a good movie!! :)
6.What am I passsionate about as a 19 year old woman? What makes me happy?

Missing Sleep

I miss sleeping.
Sleeping long hours
floating among my dreams and thoughts.
I don't sleep
I take naps each night
only to be awoken by my blaring alarm clock....
Honestly, I am tired.
I just want to sit
Sleep.
Do absolutely nothing
I am tired
Today was a good day. I am hanging on to the bit of strength that I have.
I can't let that go or I will fall
I am tired
Oh so tired
with sleepy eyes and tired hands i type this
In search of a calming influence...he'll find me
I hope ;)
I am open to change
I am finally open to something different
I hope this change allows me time to sleep!!!

Silent Nights

Without words, he held her while she slept
Watching her chest rise and fall
He held her
He liked these moments with her
The silence
Thoughts passing through his mind to the rhythm of her expanding lungs
He wanted her to feel safe and protected
But sometimes during these silents nights he longed for the protection from her arms
He felt he never could admit this but he wanted to be held
without words
simply being held in her arms
He wanted her to come to his rescue
In the middle of the night when she wrapped herself around him
and listened to him breathe
He knew that she knew
and love fell into his heart

So Tired

I am SO SLEEPY! I don't even know the last time I slept peacefully, a whole 7 or 8 hours. I can't believe that Javon decided to sign with the Raiders!!!! That is crazy! I mean can I get a team that actually is a winning team. Maybe he'll follow Randy Moss to England! Lol.
Time to study! I'll be at the library all night tomorrow....FOR REAL!
I need to! I need to do well this quarter. Finals are my last chance.

1. I don't like to be sick! I absolutely don't like it.
2. Musical Catch Phrase...the best game ever
3. Spring Break..can't wait for it!

just a few random thoughts

1. Why don't I know if I like him? I mean I like being around him. I don't want to stop being around him but does that mean I like him enough to be in a relationship with? Do I like him because Court bought "him" to my attention? I don't know. I honestly don't know.
2. Life is complicated. I've known that for a long time but I finally am realizing it. Feelings complicate things. There are good complications and bad complications.
3. No one can protect my heart. Not even me. I want to be some one's girlfriend. Someones first good morning and last good night. I want all of that...even the fights, the misunderstandings, the tears....the relationship. But i have some things that I need to work through before he can arrive.
4. Why did he come into my life? What was his purpose? I don't know. What am I supposed to learn from him? I feel that there was a lessen there. But I don't know. I need to be myself says the girls who has never had a "real" relationship. I want the real relationship. I am learning how to wait; to be patient. It's hard!! Maybe he represented my struggle with patience. But my 19 year old self knows that there is no room for him in my life and there never will be because we will never be on the same life plan. He's not my enchanted love (from Girlfriends!!).
4. I am dealing with my inner struggles. I am working on within but I can't fully do that with finals creeping up! In the end I'll get it together!!

Want all of it and ask for it. Look beyond what is right in front of you. Life is the main course, the appetizer, and the dessert. So get the dressing on the salad no side orders.~Side Order of Life
This is from my favorite show Side Order of Life. I want it all. I don't want to settle. I want it all and I think if I work on what I need to I will get my "wants".
I can't wait until this quarter is over. It was too stressful for me. I can't believe I am still standing. I am standing maybe not as tall as I would like but I am standing. Wow. I am standing. I am a strong girl. I really didn't know. I am more emotional than most people would think. Trust and believe on a regular day most things don't bother me. But some days things just really get to me. Like the texts and the boy ( I learned that I need to let people contact me)...that really got to me, him saying that I am dramatic and easily stressed ( I AM DRAMATIC but I feel like he doesn't get to tell me about myself).....
Tomorrow is always a new beginning...I need to start living that

A Few Random Thoughts

1. Why am I always the person who calls and texts? Everyone says that I'm the glue. Well guess what? The glue is taking a break!! If you need me...I'm a call/text away!!!
2.I need to be content with the state of my life. I am 19 years old talking about the sate of my life!! I sound extra old!! Lol. In all seriousness I need to be happy with what's around me. I no longer have time for the forever long daydreams and the what ifs.
3. I need to start living the high standards that I set for others around me. I need to expect more out of myself. I have been settling for mediocrity and I don't like it!!
4. Boys aren't going anywhere.
5. I am destined to for greatness...it's time to be about it!!

I love Grey's Anatomy

So here are a few quotes from Grey's that I absolutely love:

• Okay, so, sometimes, even the best of us make rash decisions, bad decisions, decisions we pretty much know we're regret the moment, the minute....especially the morning after. I mean, maybe not regret.... regret, because at least we put ourselves out there. But still, something inside of us decides to do a crazy thing, a thing we know that will probably bite us in the ass, but we do it anyway. What I am saying is, we reap what we sew. What comes around goes around. Like I was saying... payback is a bitch
• Change; we don't like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But here’s the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes change is everything.
• At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.
  

Please Don't Stop The Music

These past few days have been fun!!! I love to dance!! Patty is a daNcInG MaChiNe, trust and believe. But all the fun has to stop because I need to settle down and study. I just want to take a moment and praise the Lord! He has been with me throughout the hard times. He is with me always and for this I am thankful. He has put wonderful people in my life!! Thank you!!

So talking to him again...not the best idea. I should have kept him at a distance. Now I have let him back in. Why? I don't know. I mean my connection to him is so stupid and I know that. It's something so insignificant. It started off innocently. He can't give me what I want. What do I want? Because I clearly fall back into bad habits. And I need to direct all my strength into NOT talking to boys that don't compliment my life. Yes he is not complimenting my life.
Unlike my friends, I can't rush this. I have rushed too many times before. And it has gotten me damp pillows and sleepless nights. So with him I want this to be different. I want to be his friend. And then maybe something more.
Friends: So My is living a whole different life. I am not a a fixture like i used to be and I am okay with that. I want her to know that even though I don't agree with what she does but I am still her girl at the end of the day. I hope she knows that. But she can't read my mind and I can't read hers. I want her to understand that!! I have a wonderful group of friends, they all give me something different. I hope I add something fabulous to their lives also!