B'Day

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
THE BIG 2-0!!
I AM ABLE TO SEE ANOTHER YEAR..HERE'S TO ANOTHER FABULOUS ONE ;)
~truly blessed~

The Good Life

Life is wonDerFuL!!
A new job!!
College is going well too!!
I'm living the good life...
Just gotta stay focused!
:)

Funny Feeling

I have been in a weird mood all day. I don't know what it is...just been feeling funny. I've been walking around in a daze. Life is good with a swirl of crazy in it as always.
I don't even know right now...
I just don't know. I have a lot of stuff to do. Maybe because I'm not allowing myself to relax.
My body feels so out of whack...
I'm slowly putting everything back in it's proper place.
For a while I thought I wanted a bf. But I'm beginning to think that I need to be chilling with myself. I mean it can get old sometimes but I'm enjoying myself.
Things are different and I just have to go with the flow.
...funny feeling....

Life is Good

Wooooooow!! What a last few days??
So I finally talked to My about what was bothering me!! It feels great to have everything out in the open. I don't expect any big changes but I'm just glad that I was able to tell her what I was feeling.
Life is so good right now. Things are beginning to fall in place!! My grades are good, my friends are wonderful, and my mom is fabulous!! I still have to stay on my grind though!!
Working hard=SUCCESS!!
I'm going home on Sunday bc I have an interview. I get to see my mommie before my bday
I'm going to be TWENTY :)

A Few Random Thoughts About the Good Place

So many things are going on!!! I'm on my grind!! I see what i want and I am doing the things that I need to get them.

Things that Irritate me:
1. sneakiness and deception--I know the truth hurts. I would rather someone tell me the truth about than to be sly and secretive
2. midterms!! Why are they called midterms when they aren't in the middle??
3. Ohio weather...can we stay with a temperature??
4.sneakiness and deception!!!

Other than the standard friend drama ( this seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life), life is wonDerful. I really need to start working out!! Starting FRIDAY :)
My bday is coming up...the big 2-0!! So happy about that. I'm getting old...hehehe!!
I am leaving everything with the Lord. I can only do so much! God takes care of all things in his time. God is good and so am I!
My spirit is calm knowing that I am putting this situation in God's hands. I'm not going to talk to her because I don't have time to waste on it. She is going to do her and I'm going to do me. And if she wants to do us, I may consider the possibility. Who knows? I will celebrate her birthday...get her a card or something. But I can't do anything extra. I can't because I am tired of always doing the work. I always do the work and this friend is TIRED of it.....this is in YOUR hands now!!!

MADEA GOES TO JAIL QUOTE:
Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You have to know which is which. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can't count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It'll wither and die and blow away.There ain't no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it's dead it's gone. Let it go! Some people are like that. All the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. If you're grown, you know what I'm talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. That's the leaf people. They come to take. Then there are people like a branch. You got to be careful with branch people. They come in all different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life. So my advice is to tip out on it slowly. When you're going out on a limb, don't put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. Sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the things you want to share with it. Finally, there are people who are like roots at the bottom of the tree. If you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. The roots don't care nothing about being seen. All they're there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. It comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. That's what relationships should be about. That's what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons. If somebody wants to walk out of your life, you've got to LET THEM GO! When you learn to love yourself, you will end up giving standards to everyone around you. Again, I repeat with emphasis, if they don't meet those standards, you have to let them go, because they might be a leaf. And forgive them with all your might.

Good Place

I am in good place right now. I just have to stay here and stay focused.
Anything is possible!!
I am on my grind...I still have stuff to look over!!

Friends

Friends are a wonderful asset to my life! I love them to death. They make my life so much better. When I need them they are there for me in full effect.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. -Henri Nouwen

I want to write something about friendship.....a poem, a letter, something!

Sharing Secrets

I am very open about my experiences and I have no problem talking about them. But when I decide not to share them, people start to act funny. I've always had this problem. I guess I have been too open. I don't know..it's beginning to become annoying. I don't owe anyone anything. If I decide to tell you something, I will. But if I don't, then that's it!!!
Things I Strongly Dislike:

1. People who expect to be told everything. I need to start putting up boundaries!!
2. Why can't people think for themselves??? Just because you're friends are doing it doesn't mean it will work for you too.
3. I know I just went on a rant about sharing too much, WHY ARE PEOPLE SO SECRETIVE AND SNEAKY??
4. I have realized that people love to see me react. I must be hilarious. It was so obnoxious tonight. I can't even believe it. Maybe we have been hanging out too much. I don't know. But I think I will have to not see him for some time before I really start to not like him. It's amazing how quickly my feelings change. Sometimes I can't handle it.
5. Why are people secretive about stuff that they don't need to be secret about!! We all know whats going on. I know what's going on.
6. AM I STUPID. SO ANNOYED!

Things are crazy around here. My friends are leaning on me alot lately which is fine with me. i don't mind it at all. That's what friends are for! I'm just glad that things worked out. I have realized how strong I am and how much I am able to handle. It's amazing. The quarter started off a little rocky. It's getting better though. I am ready to work and get things done.

I am really annoyed right now. REALLY ANNOYED!! I am trying to figure out why people act the way they act! I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Father, Can you hear me?

All I have to say is that I serve an AWESOME GOD!!

My heart overfloweth

Life can be so hard sometimes....I feel that I have been at my lowest point. And I am still standing. I am here. So I believe whole heartedly that he will get throught this. I know it's hard now but you have to keep going. You can't stop living. God never gives you more than you can handle. So I know that he can handle this. I know this.

I wish that I can take all of her pain and anguish away from her.

Words of Wisdom

Courtesy of B.Scott:
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” - Buddha

Night Time Thoughts

So J just left about twenty minutes ago. It was fun..just chillin. I like to just chill sometimes, no parties, random ppl, loud music....just chill. I think he wanted to go out but I wasn't up to it. I'm tired. Being sick is not working well for me. Anyway I had a really conversation with JB today. It was great. I love our long talks. He is such a wonderful person!! He said alot of things that I needed to hear once again. I'm feeling really strange right now. I don't know. All the talk about relationships, being around Court and Aj&Katie and Alex...
Sometimes it is bit too much because I don't have what they have...the relationship piece. The significant other. I mean, I guess that's cool because I have other things that need my attention. But it would be nice.
Someones first good morning and last good night :)
One day... one day....one day
My Tea Cake <3
I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. I think I'm going to stay up and try to get something else done.
Working while daydreaming...

My Dessert Personality

LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.

Sooo the second week of school has come to an end. It's Friday night and I was reading for Sociology class;I'm perfectly okay with that. I have a lot of work to do this weekend. I wanted to get more done today but I've been tired this whole day!! I hope I see my Lauren Orellana tomorrow or sometime this weekend!! This has been a crazy week. Once again I've made it through. Selah, the song, gets me through. I feel like Lauryn was thinking of me when she wrote it. Every time I hear it, I feel revived. As in, I can do anything now that I have realized my mistakes and shortcomings. I am loving life right now.
*To Lavee: I absolutely love you. I don't know where I would be without you. I am blessed that you are in my life. I hope you know how much I appreciate you and all that you do for me. Even though sometimes I don't listen to your advice, my heart always hears.
With much love and swapped hairs,
Janeane

Learning how to swim

OK SO I'm so childish. I know that what I did was childish. I KNOW.
So what. I'm aware of my behavior. It's almost a joke to me...that's when I realized that I wasn't being serious about the situation. This ish was cracking me up. But goodness I get it. I GET IT, despite my actions and what I say...I do get it. I know that probably didn't make any sense. But it does to me which at the end if the day is important.
I'm seriously crazy. I know that a guy who deserves me and everything that I can offer him is out there somewhere. Waiting for me. He is probably going through his own life struggles. But he knows I'm there for him too.
I'm realizing that I can get so far deep into things and not know. Ish happens. I'm learning from my mistakes and misjudgments. It may not seem like it when I keep doing the same stupid stuff over and over again. Sometimes you have to keep making the same mistake to actually REALIZE that you need to get it together.
It's just taking me a while to realize. Despite what everyone around me thinks, I am not as naive as I seem. I see my relationships with boys as a person who is learning how to swim. I know the basic breathing techniques. But I'm still learning the strokes. I know how to talk to boys and hang out blah blah blah..but those gray areas trip me up, the spot in the pool where the shallow end switches to the deep end. I thought I was in the shallow end but somewhere along the way I find myself in the 12 feet struggling to stay afloat. Right now, today, I am slowly making my way out of the 12 feet and back to the shallow end. I know I can make it because I know the basics.
I am in the process of proving myself capable of doing things and following through.
FOLLOW THROUGH

THROUGH

For Court to finally take me seriously, I need to take myself seriously.
No more.....
I have so many other things that need my attention. I have finally realized that I don't have time or energy for all of this MonKey-DoOdLe foolishness.
I know I can stay on track. I have put myself self created drama filled situations because I like the attention I guess. But that stops today FOR REAL. I'm not emotionally stable for this emotional roller coaster that I'm on. I don't even like roller coasters all that much!!

:)

Bizarre

What a crazy week! Thank goodness I only have one more day of classes. So this thing I have with him is absolutely BIZARRE!! I need to stop but I love the instant gratification of it all. I need to learn how to exercise some SELF CONTROL!!

I have epiphanies everyday it seems like. I'm so through with him. Is he an asset or a liability to my life? And the answer is: LIABILITY. He serves no purpose to me whatsoever. Like I'm really done. I know that actions speak louder than words. So I need to be more proactive.

asset or liability: which one are you?!

WHY?

BOYS ARE DUMB.
BUT GIRLS ARE MORE DUMB FOR LETTING THERE FEELINGS GET THE BEST OF THEM!
REALLY?
SERIOUSLY?
I am supposed to be done with this whole situation. But I find myself in the same sTuPiD place!!
I put myself for here. For what? What do I have to show for it?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
So much drama for no reason.
I was bored I wanted something to happen. I used him for my drama/attention fix.
I can't use him for that and he can longer use me for...his attention fix.
JB said it perfectly.
I keep making the same mistake over and over again. I take one step forward to only take two steps back.
HE IS NOT FUCKING YOU FOR YOUR MIND!
He is not talking to me because I am intellectually stimulating. He is not talking to me because he genuinely wants to be my friend and what not.
I am his time filler. I don't want to be his time filler, only to be talked to when he is bored and needs his fix.
I'm like a drug to him.
He is a drug to me.
I can no longer rely on my drug to get me high.
I can't move from him to someone else.
My feelings for him were completely irrational. Why do I continuously put myself on this emotional roller coaster?
I know why. The reasons are clear as day. I can see them, touch them.
They slip through my fingers, wisping past my finger tips.
I haven't learned how to hang on to my emotions. I let them go so easily, effortlessly.
I chase them. never quite able to hang on.
I run to them. only to have them float farther from me.
Today the running stops.
The long nights tossing and turning emotions through my fingers
ends today.
I will begin to hold on to my emotions
With strength and determination
Through tears I see them clearly, waiting to be taken by no one else other than myself.
No one can have them until I am ready to place them gently in someone else's caring hands.
And in this moment I am not ready.
I am ready to be with myself.
:)
Sometimes I wonder why things happens the way they do. Why I don't have the things that I want. Oprah or Dr. Robin once said that whatever is going on in our lives; is a reflection of us.
I am experiencing drama (irrational it may be) because those are the vibes that I am sending out. I don't want drama. So I need to make some changes. I have yet to make the necessary changes in my life. I once again feel stuck. I don't like it. It has to stop. I can't live this way anymore. I'm happy with my life and the people that are in it. But I know that I have to make some serious changes in order to be where I want to be.
A day of drama for no reason at all.
SERIOUSLY?!
Just a waste of time and energy.
I have to be about it.
*you're either an assest or a liabilty*