Night-Time Thoughts

Thinking about my results....I am okay. At the end of the day I am okay. I don't think it has sunk in yet. I do realize that even though I am okay a conversation between my mother and I needs to be hand. I have been an emotional wreck for two months...so ridiculous.
But now is the time to really step my game up. I need to study all weekend. For real. Saturday night I can play but other than that I have to STUDY no matter what. I can't when pulling all nighters will be a thing of the past. Finally looking forward to Spring Break. Being home!! That will be nice. I can be so impulsive sometimes.. why did I text him?
We shall see if texts me back and what I will say in response. I liked talking to him but I think if I allow him back into my life there has to be boundaries. I can't let myself fall again. I don't think I have the energy for it.
I can't believe that Big Sis took any blame in what happened! She is truly a blessing even though she can be completely off the wall sometimes...gotta love her!
Things with the other friend are kind of on the rocks. . .I was expecting it. So much stuff has happened within the last two quarters. Hopefully I'll talk to her tomorrow and work it out..it might take more than just that one convo but it's a start.

Truly blessed!!!!!

Results

I got my results today...everything is all good!!
I am so happy....what a relief!?

I still feel things will never quite be the same but that's okay. I am learning that change is GOOD!

Friends: Things in that department have been pretty awkward. But I think talking to Miaisha will clear some things up. I hope so.


Things I Hate (Inspired by Patty's List)
Disclaimer: Hate is a strong word....Things I Strongly Dislike

1. Dishonesty when there are opportunities to be honest and truthful
2. People who assume that I can read their minds. I was not given tha power. SO if something is going on let me know. I can't fix it if I don't know about it
3. When will it become a realiztion that friendship is a two way street? If I don't feel you putting in any effort I'm not going to go out of my way. I am not a babysitter!!
4. Stop telling me I'm mean. I know that I can be a bit harsh sometimes. I don't need to be told this. It is something that I already know. I know that I should be considerate of other people's feelings BUT when my feelings are constantly pushed to the wayside; we have a problem
5. I'm going to really need some people in my life to know when enough is enough. Simply put....STOP!

Ok i just needed to get that off my chest. Wow there are about two weeks left in the quarter and then finals week. I really need to buckle down and do well on these finals. I can't have a repeat of last quarter.

He makes me smile :) I don't know if he knows... but that's okay.

The Morning After

No one ever wants to talk about the morning after
The awkwardness of it all
waking up with his legs intertwined with hers
Not moving, taking it all in
You nudge him awake, only to have him pull you closer
and you lay devastated wondering how on earth you could be put in this situation.
you remember the night before, its events and realize that you've done it to yourself.
and you just lay there, not saying anything, not thinking anything, simply being
next to the man who you will only have this one chance to be with.
when you regain your ability to comprehend you wonder if you should just enjoy the moment while you can or if you must resist the temptation to fall for another who will end up stepping over the pieces you leave behind.

Untitled Poem-12/13/07

Tears smear my already broken handwriting.
I am writing a letter to a former love with a hand so tired I can barely wipe my tears away. Through clouded eyes I see my words clearly dripping with pain and rage. Who know the man that claimed he loved me would destroy my heart?
I foolishly gave him everything.
Never questioning why he only gave me half of him in return.
My words slice the page as they recount my rage. I just knew he was going to be my beginning, middle, and the end. Here I am writing this letter with tears streaming down my face with no end in sight
My cry has turned ugly.
I have forgotten my words of rage and pain. I am gasping for air while I drown in my tears
Trying to figure out
Where do I go from here?

The State of Being Content

Life has been pretty emotional for me lately. I'm slowly feeling more together. Actually completing things on my to-do list, actually getting things done, being productive. I'm praying that tomorrow I will be able to be this positive and motivated. Because I know how I react to things.....
After Patty's class I thought about relationships. I want a boyfriend. Or do I like the idea of a boyfriend? No I think a boyfriend would be good for me. Maybe the boy or someone else...I don't know. I'm not going to put any pressure on myself about a boyfriend. If it happens; It happens. I am content with my friends and my family, my classes, and the state of my being. I am truly content right now. I would like it to stay that way. (Praying always). To be truly content....that would be nice. To reach a place of peace in my life that would be great. I'm not quite there yet but I am taking the steps to get there.

My current Situation

I won't know the final results until Thursday....all of this waiting is not working for me. But maybe I need to do more waiting. Maybe God is showing me signs that I still need to wait;I still need to slow down.
I feel like a disappointment. I think that I let my mom and myself down. But I guess wouldn't be saying any of this if I wasn't in my current situation.

My current situation scares me.
Knots in my stomachs
And nervous lumps in my throat
Accompanied by racing heart.
When will it end?
My body can't take this abuse any longer
The racing hurt is hurting from that pain that is oozing out of it
My tear filled eyes don't help the situation
I can't hide my feelings when I present to the world my puffy, blood shoot eyes
I am living in slow motion
watching everyone around me live their lives
I used to be them until my current situation fell into my life and turned my life into something far from the micro-managed life that I once lived.

paitent and positive

I am writing this with a heavy heart. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and it's weighing me down.
This weekend was the best! I loved it. The whole weekend I never really thought about the situation. I was having a good time.
It's Tuesday morning and I don't have that feeling anymore. I want to cry but I can't. I hope that is a sign that I won't be crying tears of sadness anymore. I am feeling like I can't go on but my world can't go on without me. The Lord has given another opportunity to see another day.This I thank him for. I think that I can't get any lower than this. I have been pretty low this quarter. I just want to be happy again an don't worrying about my health, physically and mentally.
I am so scared right now. My beating heart and the nervous lump in my chest is not helping the situation. I just want someone to hold me right now......
How did I get here? This place of sadness and worry. I know how I got here...a bad case of judgement. I know better but I GOT CAUGHT UP!!
At this point it is the biggest regret of my life. Again i say I have never felt so low. I thought my stream of tears had ended but I feel them welling up. I am extremely sad right now because at the end of the day I am disappointed at myself. I don't think there are any words to comfort that feeling. Now I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I am very overwhelmed with emotion right now...I need to go to sleep.
I am praying that tomorrow I will find out that I am okay. That I have nothing to worry about. That I have been stressed for nothing. Or to find out that i do have something that can be cured with antibiotics. Once I hear something I think that I will be able to get my life back on track. Honestly i don' t think that I can handle hearing bad news or not know the answer anymore.
I am feeling fragile with a glimmer of hope trying to peek out...
Tomorrow will be bring me something better!!
Tomorrow equals STUDYING!!
PULLING AN ALL NIGHTER!!!

a few thoughts....

I'm up doing homework and of course I have so many things running through my head....
The boy, my math midterm, my grades, the bills that I don't have the money to pay for, "the call" (I'm nervous about that...Ok I'm terrified), my committee, the v-treat, patty, my friends, my mom and what she thinks/will think of me, my cat, my life in general, the oatmeal I'm about to it,...how the day is going to go in general

I know the each day is a new beginning. So today is a new beginning for me. The newness of it all scares me but I know that from here on out everything will be new...I just have to go with the flow.
Thinking about my life and the things that have happened thus far:
1. I am blessed to have the mother that I have...she is a lovely women who I want to make proud
2. The Lord has blessed me many times over...He is wonderful allowing me strength and determination to make it through the quarter. Giving me joy in the morning light...HE'S ABLE!!!
3. My friends are amazing!! They truly are!!

It has been hard for emotionally this quarter. I feel like I have experienced every emotion imaginable!! I'll just call that growth because I am still here. I will come out of this a stronger person...it's not over. It's not going to be over for a while. There are a lot of things that I need to work on. I don't think I am able to do them here. I think I need to be away from here for a while to reflect and recollect myself.

~trying to stay positive :)

Take a Chance

That was all she said. "Take a chance"
I don't like to take chances. I am weary of the unknown..I like to know that I know that I know that I know.
I don't like the uncertainty of it all. I like being sure about things. My belief in all that is sure has been tested this quarter for sure. Do I really want to take a chance in having my feelings bruised? Um..I don't really know....
I guess when it is all said and done, relationships and love are all about taking chances.

Alicia Keys-Feeling U,Feeling Me
*Do you ooooooo, ooooo
2 hour long conversations on the phone
Can't get you outta my mind
Baby are you feelin me
Feelin you?
Everything you say and
Everything you do
Gets me lost in you days at a time
Tell me are you feelin me, feeling you*

Dancing the Night Away: Part Two

Last night was fun....and awkward! I knew it was going to be but goodness. Court and I did the best we could. But I'm sure she probably felt left out but I know she did.

I'm glad that he came even though he kept making fun of me :)
There is something is about that kid that I am attracted too...I don't know what it is....

Who knows what will happen between us :)

Dancing the night away

Just when I thought I was going to be done with him...he decides to make a comeback!! Lol.
Really?

Last night was so much fun. I feel like the girls from our class really bonded last night which is somthing that I know Patty really wanted. It was accomplished last night. I love dancing the night away. I get to do all again tonight. I don't know if it will be as fun as light night music wise..but I think it will still be a good time!!

Second Guessing

...It will all come out in the wash...

Favorite line of the poem "Second Guessing"



*This kid is throwing me for loops....but I kinda like it ;)

emotions taking me over

I am feeling a mixture of nervousness and normalness( Is that even a word?)....
I can't change the situation. I am just patiently waiting. Waiting is the hardest part. Who wants to hear less than positive news?

From here on out: I am living in the moment. I can't keep stressing myself out over something that I can't control. Even though I know that this could have been avoided, I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. So what I am dealing with is a situation that will only strengthen. What also makes this easier to handle is that I serve an all-knowing and forgiving God. I have to believe that there is something bigger than me controlling the coming and goings of the universe. What an awesome God I serve. My new found strength I can't take credit for...it was given to me in a weak moment.

Honestly, I don't think now is the time for a bf. I need to deal with some things on my end before I allow someone to step in. I want that person to have his stuff together to. But I know if I have my ish together, I know the boys that I allow to approach me will be coming with something different. And if they're not, they can keep it movin!! I am so done with guys that aren't worth anything and not about nothin!
Dudes witout a purpose in life..need not apply!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do Court and I think that it is okay to stay up late for no reason at all?

...my night time thoughts...

What an interesting night! Why he is so strange?? I thought I had him all figured out but he threw me for a couple of loops. He is still crazy!!!

Tomorrow is the big day! I'm a little nervous but I think that everything will be good in the end.

*PS...I LOVE MY GIRL COURTELLA*

4am

....All I have to say is no more late nights in the lobby with Court and Friends.....

thinking about a few things...

1. When did honesty become a thing of the past?
2. When did I become comfortable with mediocrity?

To All the Boys that I've Loved Before-Mayda Del Valle
Part 1: we are not your mothers you have been weaned from the breast of a woman for years yet you come to us woundedand half filled with promisesyou can only keep half the time trying to suckle our sense of self dry we have become much too accustomed to empty beds and damp pillows become much too accustomed to waiting for our empty beds to be weighted down with the bodies of men heavy with the scent and the hands of other women and we simply wanting to be loved and to love ourselves unconditionally simply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us or not play Hester Prin place scarlet letters on our chests become adulteresses cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve willing to settle for less willing to act like a little less than a goddess willing to sleep with the enemy men too scared to stop acting like boys thinking we can love away their scars so we take the lashes of the insecurities that they pour on us and lick our wounds in quiet mourning for the little girls we loose by the minute

Part 2: you said you had a photographic memorybut apparently you forgot that honesty begins by being real with yourself and the ones you claim you love the truth cannot be hiddenwhat’s clouded in darkness will always come to light, my love you should have known that claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly i guess shit happens i just wish it wasn’t me and I guess it’s so much better to have loved and lostthen to never have loved at alli know that’s some easy shit to saybut I’m still going to try and live by it i’m still going to put my faith to rest in it i will sleep on dry pillows nowi n a bed big enough to love myself in i will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shining full of the knowledge i am priceless and worth nothing but honesty i will remove the scarlet letter from my chest and take the hand of the little girl I used to be and say I’m sorry to her i’m sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved and I will wait for a man to come along that can give me the truth of how much he can really love me

..........

I have no words to describe the emotion I feel when someone utters his name
The emotion that wells up deep inside of me when I see him
Makes no connection to my brain which is then unable to tell my lips what to say
It is an unexplainable emotion
An emotion that only he conjures up
Since I am at loss for words, I’ll try colors
With all the colors of the rainbow I come up with
An empty canvas.

And the week begins

This feeling of peace has come over me. Things are starting to feel as they used to. I still have my doubts and what not but this feeling of peace has quieted many of my fears.
Today I decided to forgo my summer trip to Spian. I just don't think it's the right time to go. There are so many things that I feel are out of balance. I can't go to a foriegn country and not have my stuff together!!

*Everyday is a new beginning*

..smiling...

I felt very productive today. Today was a good day. I am trying to live for today and live in the moment. I'm trying my hardest not to live in the past. I can't change anything that has happened...deep down I know this is something I must experience. I have to keep telling myself that...
I need to be doing homework. I feel like there are not enough hours in the day. There is always something that I need to be doing...something that needs my attention.
I am half-heartedly looking forward to Spring Break. Going home means facing all my issues head on. I have to deal with them honestly. There is no room for dishonesty.
Anytime with Court is always enjoyable. I love that girl...I hope she knows that.
I am watching the rain fall against the window pain...I have not cried in a few days. This I am thankful for. I am sick of crying. I have cried so much this month. Every once in a while a cleansing cry is good but a whole month...really?
Living in the moment can be hard but I'm taking it day by day. I know this is for the best. The guy never returned my message. At first I was upset about it. But then I realized that he was never fully mine to begin with....
I know that I deserve better in all aspects of my life. If I keep this in my head, I think I will go far.

S E L A H

*my inspiration for each coming day...thanks Patty*
Nothing can be done against the truthNo matter how we remain in denial (yeah)Wasting timeReplacing timeWith each empty excuseBut that'll only work a little whileCoping with despairKnowin' you're not thereAshamed to just admitI've been a foolSo I blame it on the sunRun away from everyoneHoping to escape this ridiculeTrapped in miseryWrapped so miserablyIn this deception that I'm wearin' it like a skinDying to maintainOh I keep trying to explainA heart that never loved me to beginOh I'm such a messI have no choice but to confessThat I've been desperately trying to belongLying to myself And everybody elseRefusing to admit my right was wrongAnd then he cameSelahOh and it means Praise and MeditationAnd then he cameSelah Oh and it meansDid ya think about that?And then he came SelahOh and it meansPraise and MeditationAnd then he came SelahOh and it meansThat it deceivedHow beautiful is fruit still in denial of its roots?My guilty heart behaves so foolishlyThis treason from withinThat reasons with my sinWon't be happy til' it sees the death of meSelfishly addictedTo a life that I depictedConflicted cuz it's not realityOh what's left of meI beg you desperatelyCause me to agree to what I know is best for mePlease save me from myself I need you to save me from myselfPlease save me from myself so I can healThe choices that I makeOh have been nothing but mistakesWhat a wasted use of spaceShould I die before I wake?In all of my religionI've fortified this prisonObligated to obey The demands of bad decisionPlease save me from myself I need you to save me from myselfPlease save me from myself so I can healAnd then he cameSelahOh and it means Praise and MeditationAnd then he cameSelah Oh and it meansDid ya think about that?And he came SelahOh and it meansMeditationAnd then he came SelahOh and it meansThat it deceivedAnd then he cameAnd then he came Then he cameThen he came And then heAnd then he came

Feeling Complicated

Today was a pretty normal day. This I am thankful for. I am slowly but surely putting things back in place. I have days where it seems so hard, so hard that I can't go on. But there are others like today where I am ready to begin again. Thank God for giving me another day to heal. I am growing up and dealing with things that I have never dealt with before. It has been a scary experience. I know it's not over...
I'm tired of crying but sometimes thats the only thing that comforts me besides the presence of the Lord. Once again I have to thank him for my lovely friends. I can't thank him enough. Am i ever going to recover from this. I don't know if I'm supposed to. I know that the descions that I make from here on out have to be thought out. I can't keep making rash decisions. I also can't keeping living in the past. What was done is done. I'm working through this. I know this is something that I have to go through. I can't depart from this experience and not learn anything.
I am still scared. I had to scared out of my mind in order to get my act together.
I am thankful for everyday.

I am holding on to something that won't allow me to fully surrender. But with each passing day I feel the hold slowly loosen its grip....

Home

I have the greatest FRIENDS!! The Lord truly blessed me with such a wonderful group. I don't know what more I can say about them..besides them being absolutely SpLenDiferOus!!!
Today as I browsed people's away messages's I came across this one "In life God does not give you the people that you want. He gives you the people that you need; to teach you, to hurt you, to love you, to make you laugh....to make you exactly the person you should be." This is so true. Everyone is in my life for a reason and a season...makes me think of Madea Goes to JAil! (LOL)
Patty is the possibly the greates person ever!! She is absolutely amazing!!! I am glad that she came into my life :)

The First Cut is the deepest....

Last night was tough for me. Thankfully JB called me (where would I be without him??). He was going through something similar last semester and he made it through. I'm glad to see that it is possible. I am in between tears and happiness today. A part of me wants to go back to sleep but the other part knows that I have a ridiculous amount of stuff to do. It's as though I'm losing the race. Everyone seems to have everything in order and then here I come with all this baggage weighing me down.

I am realizing that staying focused in the midst of all these distrtactions is going to be hard but I'm sure I can make it through.

I'm praying :)

Psalm 37:4

Something New

Today is the beginning of something new.....

I have come to the realization that so many things in my life need to change. To do that I must start from within.

I have already begun the process...deleting phone numbers and what not. That is a baby step. But it is a start....

Exercising self control and patience is going to be the real test.

Today is the beginning of something new!!

:)