Thinking about my results....I am okay. At the end of the day I am okay. I don't think it has sunk in yet. I do realize that even though I am okay a conversation between my mother and I needs to be hand. I have been an emotional wreck for two months...so ridiculous.
But now is the time to really step my game up. I need to study all weekend. For real. Saturday night I can play but other than that I have to STUDY no matter what. I can't when pulling all nighters will be a thing of the past. Finally looking forward to Spring Break. Being home!! That will be nice. I can be so impulsive sometimes.. why did I text him?
We shall see if texts me back and what I will say in response. I liked talking to him but I think if I allow him back into my life there has to be boundaries. I can't let myself fall again. I don't think I have the energy for it.
I can't believe that Big Sis took any blame in what happened! She is truly a blessing even though she can be completely off the wall sometimes...gotta love her!
Things with the other friend are kind of on the rocks. . .I was expecting it. So much stuff has happened within the last two quarters. Hopefully I'll talk to her tomorrow and work it out..it might take more than just that one convo but it's a start.
Truly blessed!!!!!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Results
I got my results today...everything is all good!!
I am so happy....what a relief!?
I still feel things will never quite be the same but that's okay. I am learning that change is GOOD!
Friends: Things in that department have been pretty awkward. But I think talking to Miaisha will clear some things up. I hope so.
Things I Hate (Inspired by Patty's List)
Disclaimer: Hate is a strong word....Things I Strongly Dislike
I am so happy....what a relief!?
I still feel things will never quite be the same but that's okay. I am learning that change is GOOD!
Friends: Things in that department have been pretty awkward. But I think talking to Miaisha will clear some things up. I hope so.
Things I Hate (Inspired by Patty's List)
Disclaimer: Hate is a strong word....Things I Strongly Dislike
- Dishonesty when there are opportunities to be honest and truthful
- People who assume that I can read their minds. I was not given tha power. SO if something is going on let me know. I can't fix it if I don't know about it
- When will it become a realiztion that friendship is a two way street? If I don't feel you putting in any effort I'm not going to go out of my way. I am not a babysitter!!
- Stop telling me I'm mean. I know that I can be a bit harsh sometimes. I don't need to be told this. It is something that I already know. I know that I should be considerate of other people's feelings BUT when my feelings are constantly pushed to the wayside; we have a problem
- I'm going to really need some people in my life to know when enough is enough. Simply put....STOP!
Ok i just needed to get that off my chest. Wow there are about two weeks left in the quarter and then finals week. I really need to buckle down and do well on these finals. I can't have a repeat of last quarter.
He makes me smile :) I don't know if he knows... but that's okay.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
The Morning After
No one ever wants to talk about the morning after
The awkwardness of it all
waking up with his legs intertwined with hers
Not moving, taking it all in
You nudge him awake, only to have him pull you closer
and you lay devastated wondering how on earth you could be put in this situation.
you remember the night before, its events and realize that you've done it to yourself.
and you just lay there, not saying anything, not thinking anything, simply being
next to the man who you will only have this one chance to be with.
when you regain your ability to comprehend you wonder if you should just enjoy the moment while you can or if you must resist the temptation to fall for another who will end up stepping over the pieces you leave behind.
The awkwardness of it all
waking up with his legs intertwined with hers
Not moving, taking it all in
You nudge him awake, only to have him pull you closer
and you lay devastated wondering how on earth you could be put in this situation.
you remember the night before, its events and realize that you've done it to yourself.
and you just lay there, not saying anything, not thinking anything, simply being
next to the man who you will only have this one chance to be with.
when you regain your ability to comprehend you wonder if you should just enjoy the moment while you can or if you must resist the temptation to fall for another who will end up stepping over the pieces you leave behind.
Untitled Poem-12/13/07
Tears smear my already broken handwriting.
I am writing a letter to a former love with a hand so tired I can barely wipe my tears away. Through clouded eyes I see my words clearly dripping with pain and rage. Who know the man that claimed he loved me would destroy my heart?
I foolishly gave him everything.
Never questioning why he only gave me half of him in return.
My words slice the page as they recount my rage. I just knew he was going to be my beginning, middle, and the end. Here I am writing this letter with tears streaming down my face with no end in sight
My cry has turned ugly.
I have forgotten my words of rage and pain. I am gasping for air while I drown in my tears
Trying to figure out
Where do I go from here?
I am writing a letter to a former love with a hand so tired I can barely wipe my tears away. Through clouded eyes I see my words clearly dripping with pain and rage. Who know the man that claimed he loved me would destroy my heart?
I foolishly gave him everything.
Never questioning why he only gave me half of him in return.
My words slice the page as they recount my rage. I just knew he was going to be my beginning, middle, and the end. Here I am writing this letter with tears streaming down my face with no end in sight
My cry has turned ugly.
I have forgotten my words of rage and pain. I am gasping for air while I drown in my tears
Trying to figure out
Where do I go from here?
The State of Being Content
Life has been pretty emotional for me lately. I'm slowly feeling more together. Actually completing things on my to-do list, actually getting things done, being productive. I'm praying that tomorrow I will be able to be this positive and motivated. Because I know how I react to things.....
After Patty's class I thought about relationships. I want a boyfriend. Or do I like the idea of a boyfriend? No I think a boyfriend would be good for me. Maybe the boy or someone else...I don't know. I'm not going to put any pressure on myself about a boyfriend. If it happens; It happens. I am content with my friends and my family, my classes, and the state of my being. I am truly content right now. I would like it to stay that way. (Praying always). To be truly content....that would be nice. To reach a place of peace in my life that would be great. I'm not quite there yet but I am taking the steps to get there.
After Patty's class I thought about relationships. I want a boyfriend. Or do I like the idea of a boyfriend? No I think a boyfriend would be good for me. Maybe the boy or someone else...I don't know. I'm not going to put any pressure on myself about a boyfriend. If it happens; It happens. I am content with my friends and my family, my classes, and the state of my being. I am truly content right now. I would like it to stay that way. (Praying always). To be truly content....that would be nice. To reach a place of peace in my life that would be great. I'm not quite there yet but I am taking the steps to get there.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
My current Situation
I won't know the final results until Thursday....all of this waiting is not working for me. But maybe I need to do more waiting. Maybe God is showing me signs that I still need to wait;I still need to slow down.
I feel like a disappointment. I think that I let my mom and myself down. But I guess wouldn't be saying any of this if I wasn't in my current situation.
My current situation scares me.
Knots in my stomachs
And nervous lumps in my throat
Accompanied by racing heart.
When will it end?
My body can't take this abuse any longer
The racing hurt is hurting from that pain that is oozing out of it
My tear filled eyes don't help the situation
I can't hide my feelings when I present to the world my puffy, blood shoot eyes
I am living in slow motion
watching everyone around me live their lives
I used to be them until my current situation fell into my life and turned my life into something far from the micro-managed life that I once lived.
I feel like a disappointment. I think that I let my mom and myself down. But I guess wouldn't be saying any of this if I wasn't in my current situation.
My current situation scares me.
Knots in my stomachs
And nervous lumps in my throat
Accompanied by racing heart.
When will it end?
My body can't take this abuse any longer
The racing hurt is hurting from that pain that is oozing out of it
My tear filled eyes don't help the situation
I can't hide my feelings when I present to the world my puffy, blood shoot eyes
I am living in slow motion
watching everyone around me live their lives
I used to be them until my current situation fell into my life and turned my life into something far from the micro-managed life that I once lived.
paitent and positive
I am writing this with a heavy heart. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and it's weighing me down.
This weekend was the best! I loved it. The whole weekend I never really thought about the situation. I was having a good time.
It's Tuesday morning and I don't have that feeling anymore. I want to cry but I can't. I hope that is a sign that I won't be crying tears of sadness anymore. I am feeling like I can't go on but my world can't go on without me. The Lord has given another opportunity to see another day.This I thank him for. I think that I can't get any lower than this. I have been pretty low this quarter. I just want to be happy again an don't worrying about my health, physically and mentally.
I am so scared right now. My beating heart and the nervous lump in my chest is not helping the situation. I just want someone to hold me right now......
How did I get here? This place of sadness and worry. I know how I got here...a bad case of judgement. I know better but I GOT CAUGHT UP!!
At this point it is the biggest regret of my life. Again i say I have never felt so low. I thought my stream of tears had ended but I feel them welling up. I am extremely sad right now because at the end of the day I am disappointed at myself. I don't think there are any words to comfort that feeling. Now I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I am very overwhelmed with emotion right now...I need to go to sleep.
I am praying that tomorrow I will find out that I am okay. That I have nothing to worry about. That I have been stressed for nothing. Or to find out that i do have something that can be cured with antibiotics. Once I hear something I think that I will be able to get my life back on track. Honestly i don' t think that I can handle hearing bad news or not know the answer anymore.
I am feeling fragile with a glimmer of hope trying to peek out...
Tomorrow will be bring me something better!!
Tomorrow equals STUDYING!!
PULLING AN ALL NIGHTER!!!
This weekend was the best! I loved it. The whole weekend I never really thought about the situation. I was having a good time.
It's Tuesday morning and I don't have that feeling anymore. I want to cry but I can't. I hope that is a sign that I won't be crying tears of sadness anymore. I am feeling like I can't go on but my world can't go on without me. The Lord has given another opportunity to see another day.This I thank him for. I think that I can't get any lower than this. I have been pretty low this quarter. I just want to be happy again an don't worrying about my health, physically and mentally.
I am so scared right now. My beating heart and the nervous lump in my chest is not helping the situation. I just want someone to hold me right now......
How did I get here? This place of sadness and worry. I know how I got here...a bad case of judgement. I know better but I GOT CAUGHT UP!!
At this point it is the biggest regret of my life. Again i say I have never felt so low. I thought my stream of tears had ended but I feel them welling up. I am extremely sad right now because at the end of the day I am disappointed at myself. I don't think there are any words to comfort that feeling. Now I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I am very overwhelmed with emotion right now...I need to go to sleep.
I am praying that tomorrow I will find out that I am okay. That I have nothing to worry about. That I have been stressed for nothing. Or to find out that i do have something that can be cured with antibiotics. Once I hear something I think that I will be able to get my life back on track. Honestly i don' t think that I can handle hearing bad news or not know the answer anymore.
I am feeling fragile with a glimmer of hope trying to peek out...
Tomorrow will be bring me something better!!
Tomorrow equals STUDYING!!
PULLING AN ALL NIGHTER!!!
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