It's Been a While!!!

I haven't written on here since the beginning of Autumn quarter and so many things have happened since then. It's is now a new year. I have vowed that this year will be different for me. I will be the best me that I can be. And so far I see those changes. Academically I am doing better in my ochem class and it is a wonderful feeling. I operate my life by many sayings. One being from Necole Bitchie "At all times know your position. Never think it's more than what it is...it's not" This is a tough thing to experience. But it was worth it. I now know where I stand I can now operate within that truth. In terms of boys. I am content with it just being me and my friends. And then other times I long for that male companionship, male attention. I've looked for it in some not so good places and I'm done with that. I'm treading softly. I'm soo used to doing things rather quickly, this time around I wanna take it slow and relish in it. I don't think that's a bad thing. No, not at all. I feel that I am on the cusp of something great in my life. I actually believe it now. Things are falling into place in my life. I have been praying for a stronger sense of self. I definitely feel that change! :-) And with that, sleep beckons me! ZzzzZzzz

Fortune Teller

I'm sitting here just thinking about somethings!! I had my fortune told to me at Wal-Mart Super Center in the juice section!! Crazy right!! Only me! Lol. It was nice to here that my life would be full of happiness and success! But he did say that I haven't reached my full potential?! Hmm...what does that mean i wonder?! I mean I kinda know..because I do feel that I am on the cusp on something great! I just gotta stay focused! =)

*this boy has got me all of out sorts!! Crazy I know!!!

To my *pup

I would've never guessed that you and I would be brought together. But we were....we will be forever linked together and I'm okay with that. But I can't give you anymore than I already have. You will always have a place in my heart and in my mind. But we can't continue. You carved space in your life for me and I didn't do the same for you. You shared you feelings with me and I let you in a little bit. Although I don't believe that your feelings for me are as true as you have stated them to be, you will remain special to me. But that's all it can be....a special moment in both of our lives. In some twisted way we were brought together.
There is a lesson to be learned in all things. I've learned I can't play with people's feelings especially when I'm not sure of my own. I can't allow people to come into my life if I'm not ready and willing to deal with all of what their presence has to offer. I hope you have learned that you must respect the boundaries that are put down...they are put down for a reason. I hope you know that you deserve a girl that can reciprocate your actions and feelings to the nth degree. I know that I deserve more than what you were offering. You're not a bad guy and we've shared some happy/comical moments but you're not the guy for me. We were brought together for a period of time and I know in my heart that's all it can be....a brief moment shared between two unsuspecting people. As much as I would love having you in my life in some aspect, I don't see anything good coming out of it. Because I can't be what you want me to be and you can't be what I want you to be either. And quite honestly, I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be at the moment which makes all of this even harder. I would love for you to just hold me underneath the starring stars and tell me everything will be okay. But it's the next day and we must return to our real lives which don't include either one of us. I know that you don't understand where I'm coming from and that's completely understandable. But know that I think of you often. It's time for me to hold myself underneath the starring stars and tell myself it's going to be okay....and be completely comfortable in my own voice. Your voice has dictated many of my feelings and actions. Trust and believe, I don't regret any of it. But I must take a stand and get to know myself without your influence or anyone elses.


"So it goes I never meant to hurt you.Couldn't stay but I never meant two desert you.Whole lotta things I just had to work through.Time to heal & restore my self worth too.Confrontation of my fears and anxiety. Cried a whole lot years I suffered quietly. And though it may have taken years I can finally...tell you that you were always on my mind! .....I had to lose myself, so I can make it better"
-L.Hill

Eat.Pray.Love

"You should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong" (137).

I just finished reading "Eat,Pray,Love" and it was such a wonderful book!!!!!!!! Her life was going nowhere fast and she took the time to figure out how she could turn her life around. Now as much as I would love to pause my life and travel around the world finding myself, I don't have the financial resources or the time (I'm a college student!! Lol). However, the one thing that I have in common with the author is that I'm finding myself in every moment. I once thought I had a tight reign on who I was and what I wanted our of life. But all of that has changed. And in some aspects of my life I do know what I want. In regards to my academic life and my career, I have a clear cut plan so to speak. I do realize that plans change....but I see my goal at the end of this academic journey. But my day to day purpose is something that I'm struggling. Everything that I have known, my comfort zone, has been turned upside down because of my actions. Honestly I can't say that I'm saddened...but it is an adjustment. I'm getting used to this new found freedom of me. This new found responsibility. There are some moments in which I want to run back into the arms of my safety net. But I know that not only can that not happen easily, it also just can't happen. I can't turn back the hands of time at all and quite honestly I don't want to. Don't get me wrong, there are few conversations here and there I would tweak because of what I know now. But I don't have that luxury. I'm beginning to realize that everyone must take responsibility for their actions...everyone is culpable for the things that happen in there lives. I'm not saying that people deserve the chaos that life brings....but some of the chaos is created by the person. I would know...I've created my own chaos just for kicks at times. But that is not fair to any of the parties involved including me.

Where do I go from here?!<---This is the question I've been asking myself for the past month. I feel as though the answer is up!! But other times I'm not quite sure how to answer it. I have somethings to workout and think about and figure out. Sometimes I feel as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Sometimes my spirit gets so bogged down in worrying about everyone else's opinion about what is best for me. Like my Uncle said, "opinions are like assholes, everyone has one" It's true everyone seems to have an opinion/thought about everything that I do...most times I haven't asked for the "advice" if you will. It has been offered to me and I take all the words to heart. But that ish has ended. Some people don't know some of the things that I've experienced because I would rather not hear their criticism.

I'm not hiding from the truth I would just like to listen to my own truth for once!! I'm listening to my own voice. My clear voice. My inner voice. It feels great...at times it's a daunting task but I'm up for the challenge =)

Q.u.o.t.e.s

All great divas have a trick or two up their sleeves. It keeps the wannabees in their place--Big Dee Dee (Half&Half)

God gives you one life don't waste it on a loser-Kris Kardashian

What looks like crazy on an ordinary looks a lot like love if you catch in in the moonlight--Pearl Cleage

A man can go from being a lover to being a stranger in three moves flat but a woman under the guise of friendship will engage in acts of duplicity which come to light very much later. There are different species of self-justification. -Anita Brookner

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

SCHOOL'S OUT...What's a girl to do?! :) HAVE FUN!! The quarter ended well academically and I finally have a summer where my g.p.a is not lingering over me. It feels nice.

I have been on here in a long time. I really haven't had anything to say even though my world has been out of control lately. No worries most of the mayhem has been welcomed for the most part. 21 has opened up so many doors! 21 is great ....it has been good to me! 21 has also caused me to rethink and reevaluate many things. It's crazy how I've been feeling lately. The feelings that I'm experiencing are two separate entities. I'm not really sure what to do with them. Where do I put them. They are kinda lingering in limbo, just hanging out. As of right now, that's where they are going to stay. I'm not really in any rush to make any decisions because I'm not really comfortable in decisions I make as of right now when it comes to the opposite sex because I'm confused. So I think deciding nothing is my best bet. It's the safest thing to do.

I want this to be a summer to remember and I think it will :)

*Side note......this boy is confusing me!!! I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to be feeling about him. I know that I'm walking a fine line which admittedly is fun. But he owes me nothing. He doesn't have to text me/call me, nothing me. I've completely wrapped my head around that and understand that. So we shall see what happens. This Girl just wants to have fuuun!!!!! <3

NightTime Thoughts

So many things are going through my mind right now........

My mind hasn't stopped racing since I turned 21 =) and I'm not even mad at that. 

I have so many decisions to make from here on out. And I'm think I'm ready to handle them.

I'm happy and things are starting to fall into place 

{all smiles}

On to the next...

I'm 21!!! What an exciting weekend however I realize that the best decisions are made sober!!!

Anyway...After the weekend I've experienced I realized more than ever when it comes to the men in my life. Lol. I want a bf and I can't keep blocking his entrance into my life with foolishness.

The Hiatus begins today. =) and I'm totally okay with it. I can do nothing but patient and make more responsible decisions. I want to be treated like an adult therefore I have to act like one and this is a concept that affects other aspects of my life besides the relationships/friendships that I have with boys. I don't regret what happened or anything that was said. But hindsight is 20/20 and I've learned from my missteps.

Now it's time to move on to the next chapter and new adventures!

**I'm grown now :)

....I'm up writing a Spanish paper...but my mind is racing, as usual! Lol.

 Last night was amazing! I'm glad I went however I now understand why my mother always told me to drive my own car. 

I'm turning 21 in FOUR DAYS! I can't believe it. **I'm grown now** :-)

21 is going to bring wonderful things..I can feel it in my spirit!

Thinking...

Sometimes thinking about too much can make a sista crazy!!!! My friends planted the seed and I've been watering the flower.Lol. I've just been letting my mind wander and I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to do if my feelings for him return. I haven't come up with anything. I don't know if that's good or bad. 

Alicia Keys-Feeling U,Feeling Me
*Do you ooooooo, ooooo 
2 hour long conversations on the phone
Can't get you outta my mind
Baby are you feelin me
Feelin you?
Everything you say and
Everything you do
Gets me lost in you days at a time
Tell me are you feelin me, feeling you*

I'm trying this whole going with the flow thing...I really want something new!!

all s.m.i.l.e.s

Nothing to complain about per say....I wish I could get my schedule together!!
Other than that I'm happy
and all smiles =)

Mixed Feelings

I'm confused to say the least....

21:03

The Clark Sisters

=)

I I love coming home and seeing everyone!! But I'm looking forward to being back on campus =)
[the best is yet to come]

The Fabulous Me Movement

So after watching NothinbutTreble talk about her Healthy in 2009 Movement, I am inspired to start my own!! I'm calling it [The Fabulous Me Movement]!! Finishing Winter Quarter, I feel ready for a change. I think that something different is in order. I want so much from myself and I have yet to do anything about it. But that must change. I want my body to look a certain way but I haven't been working out like I'm supposed to. I want to have better relationship with God and I haven't been engaging with him through continuous prayers or going to church.
I just haven't been keeping up with the things that I want in my life. Today that changes and it feels great!
I'm feeling really optimistic these days!

[I'm H.A.P.P.Y] =)

Q.U.O.T.E.S

I'm in constant pursuit of all things fabulous-NothinButtreble1220
[Do the one thing you think you can't do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it]*OpRaH*

...she's HiLaRiOUs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZXIbz7gnb0

Knock You Down

I have been a Keri Fan but I am really loving this song!! Loves me some Kanye too :)

Truth desires Truth

---Truth desires Truth
I just want to press the snooze button
Pausing the moments that we shared
Reveling in the stolen glances and kisses
Cherishing the little space that lay between our bodies and your sky blue bed sheets
But the snooze button only allows so much solace
Before my thoughts are rudely interrupted by the blaring music
As my thoughts travel between the music of the morning
I am reminded that although the moments we shared were fleeting
They made a lasting impression
I had given myself permission to not only live in the moment but to also think beyond what was right in front of me
I could see longs nights in your arms
I could see us discussing world news
As your girlfriend
Or as your friend
I was up for anything
However I was not ready to have my feelings tossed to the wayside
I was unprepared
My guard was down
I was open
I was infuriated
I was sad
I wanted to torch your apartment and talk to you all at the same time
How can one person experience conflicting emotions all in the same instant?
Somehow I was there
Living in the moment
Marinating with my feelings
I had gotten past my anger and frustration
And planted my feet firmly in sadness
I stayed there for as long as I could
Repairing the humiliation
Remedying the embarrassment
Once again I would have to tell eager friends about another guy who I placed feelings upon haphazardly
Seeing the same reaction from each of them
They too were saddened about what may have been
I couldn’t take sadness any longer
I was through with half smiles
A few conversations and a couple of double stuff Oreos later
I found myself in the land of bitterness
Reacting with snide remarks as I watched couples hand in hand walk down the street
Skipping to the beat of their love
Once again I was two emotions
I was nauseated by all of the closeness and jealous because I wanted it
I wanted something that I was hoping you would offer me
Or maybe even give me
Nonetheless I allowed my brain to journey down that path with you
I reassured myself when scenes of our relationship danced before my eyes
That these thoughts were safe within the confines of my brain
Constantly reminding myself that I was game for anything
If it meant more time with you
I was okay if down the line you did not become my boyfriend
My thoughts comforted me at night letting me fall asleep wrapped in the security of our so called friendship
But my thoughts failed to show when they betrayed me
Whether we were going to be friends or more than that I will never know
Because my feelings were unceremoniously taken away from me
You snatched the possibility of something from beneath me
Yes, my thoughts skipped that part
I still haven’t had the time to prepare myself for when we meet again
Because I know that it will happen sooner than later
At some point words will be exchanged between us
At some point I will be okay with this situation
That point, or so I thought, arrived a week ago
You were sitting two rows in front of me
I thought I was primed and ready for our encounter
But I surprisingly was not
For a few moments I could focus on nothing but the back of your head
For a few moments I could not breathe
The moments when my lungs failed me I realized that you were going on about your life as if nothing happened
I was nothing more than a blip on your radar
A small flash of feelings that you stopped as fast as they had arrived
Our stolen glances and kisses replayed in my head
This time in slow motion almost as if they were mocking me
Laughing at my misfortune and time wasted
As sky blue bed sheets clouded my vision
Finally I understood my part in our so called friendship falling a part
I permitted my feelings to much freedom
I was riding an unsteady emotional roller coaster
Because I so desperately was holding on to your feelings for me
When you told me you liked me too
Oooh it was a breath of fresh air
Those were words that I wanted to hear a long time ago
And you said it floating from your lips to my racing heart
I laid my hope for something more on your broad shoulders
Hoping that my hope wasn’t too heavy
Apparently it was
It was too much to see you out and about
As if I never happened
As if we never happened
Your actions took away the control
There was nothing that I could do to make this situation different
To make it happen in my favor
There was finality to me and you
A finality that you created and I was forced to accept
That was the most jarring experience
I was not given any say so in what happened to my feelings
Something had to be done
I needed to be done with you and everything that you represented
Once I regained my power to breath I began to formulate the reason you were brought to me
You reminded me that the man that I desire is out there but that in order for me to find him
I need to let the desire go and allow him the space to fall into my life
The moment I said I was done with this never ending search for a significant other and really meant it
We had our chance encounter
I was impressed to say the least
And I want to be impressed again
And again and again and again
He will not be perfect that is a given
He will be a man who believes honesty is the best policy
A man who believes truth must begin from within
A man who understands that although the truth hurts it must be spoken
In a manner that is befitting to a woman
You may be all of those things
But the way you convey your truth does not sit well with me
In a sense I needed you in order to fully realize what I desired
I thought I knew but I clearly needed to be reminded
Leaving me with a cup full of optimism and a dash of bitterness
Just a dash
I am not entirely emotionally detached from you
You presence or just the thought still warrants the failure of my lungs
Our second encounter will be better
It will hold weight
My words will not escape me
Maybe I will have the opportunity to share my truth of the matter with you
I need my truth to drift from lips to your ears
I need to hear my words even if you don’t
I need to heal
I need closure
You may not agree with what I have to say but I am a woman who understands that although the truth hurts it must be spoken
Now that I think about it I had the chance to say these things to you
It is clear to me more than ever that I was not ready
My emotions were not clear
My point would have been lost behind my veil of anger and sadness
I am seeing clearer now
I understand that sometimes the words will come when they are good and ready to be spoken
Time has passed
Days have come and gone
I am feeling clearer as well
I just hope and pray that you and I both
Are emotionally mature for our
Next chance encounters with those that
We desire.