Missing Sleep

I miss sleeping.
Sleeping long hours
floating among my dreams and thoughts.
I don't sleep
I take naps each night
only to be awoken by my blaring alarm clock....
Honestly, I am tired.
I just want to sit
Sleep.
Do absolutely nothing
I am tired
Today was a good day. I am hanging on to the bit of strength that I have.
I can't let that go or I will fall
I am tired
Oh so tired
with sleepy eyes and tired hands i type this
In search of a calming influence...he'll find me
I hope ;)
I am open to change
I am finally open to something different
I hope this change allows me time to sleep!!!

Silent Nights

Without words, he held her while she slept
Watching her chest rise and fall
He held her
He liked these moments with her
The silence
Thoughts passing through his mind to the rhythm of her expanding lungs
He wanted her to feel safe and protected
But sometimes during these silents nights he longed for the protection from her arms
He felt he never could admit this but he wanted to be held
without words
simply being held in her arms
He wanted her to come to his rescue
In the middle of the night when she wrapped herself around him
and listened to him breathe
He knew that she knew
and love fell into his heart

So Tired

I am SO SLEEPY! I don't even know the last time I slept peacefully, a whole 7 or 8 hours. I can't believe that Javon decided to sign with the Raiders!!!! That is crazy! I mean can I get a team that actually is a winning team. Maybe he'll follow Randy Moss to England! Lol.
Time to study! I'll be at the library all night tomorrow....FOR REAL!
I need to! I need to do well this quarter. Finals are my last chance.

1. I don't like to be sick! I absolutely don't like it.
2. Musical Catch Phrase...the best game ever
3. Spring Break..can't wait for it!

just a few random thoughts

1. Why don't I know if I like him? I mean I like being around him. I don't want to stop being around him but does that mean I like him enough to be in a relationship with? Do I like him because Court bought "him" to my attention? I don't know. I honestly don't know.
2. Life is complicated. I've known that for a long time but I finally am realizing it. Feelings complicate things. There are good complications and bad complications.
3. No one can protect my heart. Not even me. I want to be some one's girlfriend. Someones first good morning and last good night. I want all of that...even the fights, the misunderstandings, the tears....the relationship. But i have some things that I need to work through before he can arrive.
4. Why did he come into my life? What was his purpose? I don't know. What am I supposed to learn from him? I feel that there was a lessen there. But I don't know. I need to be myself says the girls who has never had a "real" relationship. I want the real relationship. I am learning how to wait; to be patient. It's hard!! Maybe he represented my struggle with patience. But my 19 year old self knows that there is no room for him in my life and there never will be because we will never be on the same life plan. He's not my enchanted love (from Girlfriends!!).
4. I am dealing with my inner struggles. I am working on within but I can't fully do that with finals creeping up! In the end I'll get it together!!

Want all of it and ask for it. Look beyond what is right in front of you. Life is the main course, the appetizer, and the dessert. So get the dressing on the salad no side orders.~Side Order of Life
This is from my favorite show Side Order of Life. I want it all. I don't want to settle. I want it all and I think if I work on what I need to I will get my "wants".
I can't wait until this quarter is over. It was too stressful for me. I can't believe I am still standing. I am standing maybe not as tall as I would like but I am standing. Wow. I am standing. I am a strong girl. I really didn't know. I am more emotional than most people would think. Trust and believe on a regular day most things don't bother me. But some days things just really get to me. Like the texts and the boy ( I learned that I need to let people contact me)...that really got to me, him saying that I am dramatic and easily stressed ( I AM DRAMATIC but I feel like he doesn't get to tell me about myself).....
Tomorrow is always a new beginning...I need to start living that

A Few Random Thoughts

1. Why am I always the person who calls and texts? Everyone says that I'm the glue. Well guess what? The glue is taking a break!! If you need me...I'm a call/text away!!!
2.I need to be content with the state of my life. I am 19 years old talking about the sate of my life!! I sound extra old!! Lol. In all seriousness I need to be happy with what's around me. I no longer have time for the forever long daydreams and the what ifs.
3. I need to start living the high standards that I set for others around me. I need to expect more out of myself. I have been settling for mediocrity and I don't like it!!
4. Boys aren't going anywhere.
5. I am destined to for greatness...it's time to be about it!!

I love Grey's Anatomy

So here are a few quotes from Grey's that I absolutely love:

• Okay, so, sometimes, even the best of us make rash decisions, bad decisions, decisions we pretty much know we're regret the moment, the minute....especially the morning after. I mean, maybe not regret.... regret, because at least we put ourselves out there. But still, something inside of us decides to do a crazy thing, a thing we know that will probably bite us in the ass, but we do it anyway. What I am saying is, we reap what we sew. What comes around goes around. Like I was saying... payback is a bitch
• Change; we don't like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But here’s the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes change is everything.
• At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.
  

Please Don't Stop The Music

These past few days have been fun!!! I love to dance!! Patty is a daNcInG MaChiNe, trust and believe. But all the fun has to stop because I need to settle down and study. I just want to take a moment and praise the Lord! He has been with me throughout the hard times. He is with me always and for this I am thankful. He has put wonderful people in my life!! Thank you!!

So talking to him again...not the best idea. I should have kept him at a distance. Now I have let him back in. Why? I don't know. I mean my connection to him is so stupid and I know that. It's something so insignificant. It started off innocently. He can't give me what I want. What do I want? Because I clearly fall back into bad habits. And I need to direct all my strength into NOT talking to boys that don't compliment my life. Yes he is not complimenting my life.
Unlike my friends, I can't rush this. I have rushed too many times before. And it has gotten me damp pillows and sleepless nights. So with him I want this to be different. I want to be his friend. And then maybe something more.
Friends: So My is living a whole different life. I am not a a fixture like i used to be and I am okay with that. I want her to know that even though I don't agree with what she does but I am still her girl at the end of the day. I hope she knows that. But she can't read my mind and I can't read hers. I want her to understand that!! I have a wonderful group of friends, they all give me something different. I hope I add something fabulous to their lives also!