So J just left about twenty minutes ago. It was fun..just chillin. I like to just chill sometimes, no parties, random ppl, loud music....just chill. I think he wanted to go out but I wasn't up to it. I'm tired. Being sick is not working well for me. Anyway I had a really conversation with JB today. It was great. I love our long talks. He is such a wonderful person!! He said alot of things that I needed to hear once again. I'm feeling really strange right now. I don't know. All the talk about relationships, being around Court and Aj&Katie and Alex...
Sometimes it is bit too much because I don't have what they have...the relationship piece. The significant other. I mean, I guess that's cool because I have other things that need my attention. But it would be nice.
Someones first good morning and last good night :)
One day... one day....one day
My Tea Cake <3
I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. I think I'm going to stay up and try to get something else done.
Working while daydreaming...
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
My Dessert Personality
LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.
Sooo the second week of school has come to an end. It's Friday night and I was reading for Sociology class;I'm perfectly okay with that. I have a lot of work to do this weekend. I wanted to get more done today but I've been tired this whole day!! I hope I see my Lauren Orellana tomorrow or sometime this weekend!! This has been a crazy week. Once again I've made it through. Selah, the song, gets me through. I feel like Lauryn was thinking of me when she wrote it. Every time I hear it, I feel revived. As in, I can do anything now that I have realized my mistakes and shortcomings. I am loving life right now.
*To Lavee: I absolutely love you. I don't know where I would be without you. I am blessed that you are in my life. I hope you know how much I appreciate you and all that you do for me. Even though sometimes I don't listen to your advice, my heart always hears.
With much love and swapped hairs,
Janeane
*To Lavee: I absolutely love you. I don't know where I would be without you. I am blessed that you are in my life. I hope you know how much I appreciate you and all that you do for me. Even though sometimes I don't listen to your advice, my heart always hears.
With much love and swapped hairs,
Janeane
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Learning how to swim
OK SO I'm so childish. I know that what I did was childish. I KNOW.
So what. I'm aware of my behavior. It's almost a joke to me...that's when I realized that I wasn't being serious about the situation. This ish was cracking me up. But goodness I get it. I GET IT, despite my actions and what I say...I do get it. I know that probably didn't make any sense. But it does to me which at the end if the day is important.
I'm seriously crazy. I know that a guy who deserves me and everything that I can offer him is out there somewhere. Waiting for me. He is probably going through his own life struggles. But he knows I'm there for him too.
I'm realizing that I can get so far deep into things and not know. Ish happens. I'm learning from my mistakes and misjudgments. It may not seem like it when I keep doing the same stupid stuff over and over again. Sometimes you have to keep making the same mistake to actually REALIZE that you need to get it together.
It's just taking me a while to realize. Despite what everyone around me thinks, I am not as naive as I seem. I see my relationships with boys as a person who is learning how to swim. I know the basic breathing techniques. But I'm still learning the strokes. I know how to talk to boys and hang out blah blah blah..but those gray areas trip me up, the spot in the pool where the shallow end switches to the deep end. I thought I was in the shallow end but somewhere along the way I find myself in the 12 feet struggling to stay afloat. Right now, today, I am slowly making my way out of the 12 feet and back to the shallow end. I know I can make it because I know the basics.
I am in the process of proving myself capable of doing things and following through.
FOLLOW THROUGH
So what. I'm aware of my behavior. It's almost a joke to me...that's when I realized that I wasn't being serious about the situation. This ish was cracking me up. But goodness I get it. I GET IT, despite my actions and what I say...I do get it. I know that probably didn't make any sense. But it does to me which at the end if the day is important.
I'm seriously crazy. I know that a guy who deserves me and everything that I can offer him is out there somewhere. Waiting for me. He is probably going through his own life struggles. But he knows I'm there for him too.
I'm realizing that I can get so far deep into things and not know. Ish happens. I'm learning from my mistakes and misjudgments. It may not seem like it when I keep doing the same stupid stuff over and over again. Sometimes you have to keep making the same mistake to actually REALIZE that you need to get it together.
It's just taking me a while to realize. Despite what everyone around me thinks, I am not as naive as I seem. I see my relationships with boys as a person who is learning how to swim. I know the basic breathing techniques. But I'm still learning the strokes. I know how to talk to boys and hang out blah blah blah..but those gray areas trip me up, the spot in the pool where the shallow end switches to the deep end. I thought I was in the shallow end but somewhere along the way I find myself in the 12 feet struggling to stay afloat. Right now, today, I am slowly making my way out of the 12 feet and back to the shallow end. I know I can make it because I know the basics.
I am in the process of proving myself capable of doing things and following through.
FOLLOW THROUGH
THROUGH
For Court to finally take me seriously, I need to take myself seriously.
No more.....
I have so many other things that need my attention. I have finally realized that I don't have time or energy for all of this MonKey-DoOdLe foolishness.
I know I can stay on track. I have put myself self created drama filled situations because I like the attention I guess. But that stops today FOR REAL. I'm not emotionally stable for this emotional roller coaster that I'm on. I don't even like roller coasters all that much!!
:)
No more.....
I have so many other things that need my attention. I have finally realized that I don't have time or energy for all of this MonKey-DoOdLe foolishness.
I know I can stay on track. I have put myself self created drama filled situations because I like the attention I guess. But that stops today FOR REAL. I'm not emotionally stable for this emotional roller coaster that I'm on. I don't even like roller coasters all that much!!
:)
Bizarre
What a crazy week! Thank goodness I only have one more day of classes. So this thing I have with him is absolutely BIZARRE!! I need to stop but I love the instant gratification of it all. I need to learn how to exercise some SELF CONTROL!!
I have epiphanies everyday it seems like. I'm so through with him. Is he an asset or a liability to my life? And the answer is: LIABILITY. He serves no purpose to me whatsoever. Like I'm really done. I know that actions speak louder than words. So I need to be more proactive.
asset or liability: which one are you?!
I have epiphanies everyday it seems like. I'm so through with him. Is he an asset or a liability to my life? And the answer is: LIABILITY. He serves no purpose to me whatsoever. Like I'm really done. I know that actions speak louder than words. So I need to be more proactive.
asset or liability: which one are you?!
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
WHY?
BOYS ARE DUMB.
BUT GIRLS ARE MORE DUMB FOR LETTING THERE FEELINGS GET THE BEST OF THEM!
REALLY?
SERIOUSLY?
I am supposed to be done with this whole situation. But I find myself in the same sTuPiD place!!
I put myself for here. For what? What do I have to show for it?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
So much drama for no reason.
I was bored I wanted something to happen. I used him for my drama/attention fix.
I can't use him for that and he can longer use me for...his attention fix.
JB said it perfectly.
I keep making the same mistake over and over again. I take one step forward to only take two steps back.
HE IS NOT FUCKING YOU FOR YOUR MIND!
He is not talking to me because I am intellectually stimulating. He is not talking to me because he genuinely wants to be my friend and what not.
I am his time filler. I don't want to be his time filler, only to be talked to when he is bored and needs his fix.
I'm like a drug to him.
He is a drug to me.
I can no longer rely on my drug to get me high.
I can't move from him to someone else.
My feelings for him were completely irrational. Why do I continuously put myself on this emotional roller coaster?
I know why. The reasons are clear as day. I can see them, touch them.
They slip through my fingers, wisping past my finger tips.
I haven't learned how to hang on to my emotions. I let them go so easily, effortlessly.
I chase them. never quite able to hang on.
I run to them. only to have them float farther from me.
Today the running stops.
The long nights tossing and turning emotions through my fingers
ends today.
I will begin to hold on to my emotions
With strength and determination
Through tears I see them clearly, waiting to be taken by no one else other than myself.
No one can have them until I am ready to place them gently in someone else's caring hands.
And in this moment I am not ready.
I am ready to be with myself.
:)
Sometimes I wonder why things happens the way they do. Why I don't have the things that I want. Oprah or Dr. Robin once said that whatever is going on in our lives; is a reflection of us.
I am experiencing drama (irrational it may be) because those are the vibes that I am sending out. I don't want drama. So I need to make some changes. I have yet to make the necessary changes in my life. I once again feel stuck. I don't like it. It has to stop. I can't live this way anymore. I'm happy with my life and the people that are in it. But I know that I have to make some serious changes in order to be where I want to be.
A day of drama for no reason at all.
SERIOUSLY?!
Just a waste of time and energy.
I have to be about it.
*you're either an assest or a liabilty*
BUT GIRLS ARE MORE DUMB FOR LETTING THERE FEELINGS GET THE BEST OF THEM!
REALLY?
SERIOUSLY?
I am supposed to be done with this whole situation. But I find myself in the same sTuPiD place!!
I put myself for here. For what? What do I have to show for it?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
So much drama for no reason.
I was bored I wanted something to happen. I used him for my drama/attention fix.
I can't use him for that and he can longer use me for...his attention fix.
JB said it perfectly.
I keep making the same mistake over and over again. I take one step forward to only take two steps back.
HE IS NOT FUCKING YOU FOR YOUR MIND!
He is not talking to me because I am intellectually stimulating. He is not talking to me because he genuinely wants to be my friend and what not.
I am his time filler. I don't want to be his time filler, only to be talked to when he is bored and needs his fix.
I'm like a drug to him.
He is a drug to me.
I can no longer rely on my drug to get me high.
I can't move from him to someone else.
My feelings for him were completely irrational. Why do I continuously put myself on this emotional roller coaster?
I know why. The reasons are clear as day. I can see them, touch them.
They slip through my fingers, wisping past my finger tips.
I haven't learned how to hang on to my emotions. I let them go so easily, effortlessly.
I chase them. never quite able to hang on.
I run to them. only to have them float farther from me.
Today the running stops.
The long nights tossing and turning emotions through my fingers
ends today.
I will begin to hold on to my emotions
With strength and determination
Through tears I see them clearly, waiting to be taken by no one else other than myself.
No one can have them until I am ready to place them gently in someone else's caring hands.
And in this moment I am not ready.
I am ready to be with myself.
:)
Sometimes I wonder why things happens the way they do. Why I don't have the things that I want. Oprah or Dr. Robin once said that whatever is going on in our lives; is a reflection of us.
I am experiencing drama (irrational it may be) because those are the vibes that I am sending out. I don't want drama. So I need to make some changes. I have yet to make the necessary changes in my life. I once again feel stuck. I don't like it. It has to stop. I can't live this way anymore. I'm happy with my life and the people that are in it. But I know that I have to make some serious changes in order to be where I want to be.
A day of drama for no reason at all.
SERIOUSLY?!
Just a waste of time and energy.
I have to be about it.
*you're either an assest or a liabilty*
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